Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Raised On Robbery

On the Met steps, Jenny's being a bitch some more. "Not bad," she says of a minion's hopeful yellow-feather costume. "But it's Prohibition, not Last Of The Mohicans. Lose the feathers." Jonathan and Eric watch from ten steps down, and Jonathan is all about the mask and her face, and Eric tells him to talk to Jenny about it if he honestly thinks she's losing it. Jonathan instead decides to fuck everything up for everybody.

"Did you make your own costume, Jenny?" No, Jenny responds -- once again hitting the seamstress button -- that her costume will be vintage Gaultier; i.e. expensive and not hand-made. One of the girls notices Jonathan sitting on the top step, and the girls immediately get sneaky faces and start pushing and prodding to see which way Jenny's going to go. She heads up there, and Eric does an end-run so that he can greet her at Jonathan's side and I guess protect him, and she's like, "Are you for real?" and Jonathan laughs at her, and one of the girls is like, "Are you disobeying a direct order?" and so on, and Eric tries to make peace as usual, but they get into a staring contest which means nobody is going to win. So now Jenny is actually screwed, because Jonathan and Eric each did half of a coup -- real goods praxis + revolutionary rhetoric -- which together equals one coup, so all she can do is say, "Girls?" and turn away fast enough that she doesn't have to watch Eric get covered in yogurt.

Olivia schleps some soup all the way to DUMBO and has some unidentifiable emotion at seeing how quickly Dan has recovered. They talk about the condoms and Dan is cute -- "I love that picture of you. It's so flattering. And who can resist free gifts in, uh, in shiny wrappers?" -- but still just as flesh-crawling as usual when sex comes up, and she notices the tape and immediately/hilariously jumps to her first rationale for his rejection: "You think that I'm a bad actress!" His answer is both characteristic and funny -- "I wouldn't say bad" -- but she's not done: "Which scene was it? Was it where I sucked that Wolfman's blood? Because that was a dummy Wolfman, and it's really hard to play with a dummy."

Of the thirty jokes presenting themselves at this moment I don't think any of them are really of our caliber, you and I, so we're going to let it go. Know, though, that I am with you in spirit.

She hits the spacebar -- or whatever's the safety-scissors Mac equivalent -- and it goes right back to that fucking scene that Nate and Dan enjoyed so much in each other's exclusive company. Which is amazing, because that means Dan totally jerked off to it in his kitchen, because obviously Nate would have made him watch all three chapters, probably in a marathon, so Dan purposely went back to that scene on his own. Dan admits that he was feeling whatever the opposite of starfucking is, and reminds her that she levitated, and then Olivia Burke also seriously explains that it was a special effect and that she was only acting, not fucking, because movies are pretend. Why didn't Dan get this memo?

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Gossip Girl




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