...It's because of Vanessa Fucking Abrams, the Documentary Filmmaker. I knew I could find a way to blame her. So Olivia totally explains/lies that she was never actually dating ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ and that all coincidental costar relationships -- with the exception of Bill and Sookie, OBVIOUSLY, because their love is REAL -- are fake as her giant Chiclet teeth. Then they make out and are stupid and Olivia proves that she's good at least one kind of acting, which is acting like a total gaywad whenever sex comes up, just like her boyfriend, and it's queasy: "Mm, well, we can explore all of my health center acquisitions tonight, after Chuck's club opening." Olivia slaps the computer shut and texts Serena that she'll make the Gimlet opening after all. As she explains to Dan, for some reason*, whilst making out on him.
*(90% of this episode is people explaining to each other how phones work. I've been leaving it out because it's totally retarded, but just imagine that anytime anybody calls or texts anybody in this episode, that person listens to their ringtone for a few minutes and then turns to the person nearest them and explains for no reason, "That's probably X, calling/texting me about Y." Sometimes they're wrong, which still doesn't make it necessary -- and sometimes they don't know the difference or whether they're getting a text or a phone call until they answer, which is dumb squared -- but usually they're right, and X really is calling about Y, which is the most infuriating of all.)
Just when Serena's getting the text from Olivia, KC runs in having gotten one of her own: Mary-Kate's asking to be on the door +2. Serena immediately crumbles and apologizes, explaining that she was just trying to impress KC, who points out in her best Kelly Cutrone that she did so using their client list and is thus fully fired. Serena, thinking fast, shows her the Olivia text and says it's all an elaborate plan to get Robsten back together, so all KC needs to do is fly ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ in from Toronto. Good save! "This better work," KC hisses, placated. "In the future? The only surprises I appreciate are cash and gifts." Word. But then there's one more surprise she doesn't need to know about: Olivia's followup text -- which I'm sure she also explained to Dan as she was writing it -- about getting Dan a costume. Serena rolls her eyes and sighs like it didn't occur to her that Olivia would bring Chuck's stepbrother to the club opening their entire family is attending.