Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Raised On Robbery

Still no joy on the liquor license; Chuck complains to Horace that clubs are closing all over the city, and therefore ABC should be excited about expediting things. (I'm such a dork, I kept glitching over the fact that they were saying "ABC" instead of "TABC" until like two seconds ago when I realized the T in "TABC" stands for TEXAS, and thus would not be part of a New York state acronym.) So Horace is like, "Dude, no way can you open without a license," and Chuck says he's considering what Bart would do. Obviously Bart would surveil and blackmail somebody. The phone instantly rings again; it's somebody at the ABC, and they're all good suddenly. The guy laughs and promises to hand-deliver it. None of this raises any flags for Chuck. "You see that, Horace? Victory without deceit!" There's something so heartbreakingly Humphrey about this moment, you know it's about to get weird. "Seems like little Chuck finally stepped out from big bad Bart's shadow..."

"...Too bad his girlfriend's still playing on the dark side!" Blair gets a text from Uncle Jack about how now they're even because he rigged the license -- even his font on her phone somehow seems Shakespeare levels of evil -- and since nobody's around for her to explain texting to, Blair opts for putting on a scary veil and making an intensely creepy face.

Rufus Goddamn Humphrey is wearing an awful Johnny (of course) wig, torn black jeans, a leather jacket, and that CBGB & OMFUG shirt with the skull. "Uplifting Gormandizers" is the grossest phrase in the English language anyway, the anti-cellar door if you will, but damn if it isn't ten times grosser on his stupid self. Rufus comes downstairs, inflicting stupidity and ugliness everywhere, and asks what Lily thinks. "Does it really play without the other Ramones?" It only takes one jackass to look like a jackass, although the constant "we're a family" nod to group costumes is really cute. "I was gonna do Iggy, but I thought it might scare the children." I was gonna throw up in my mouth, and then I did.

Lily grins, because she loves nothing more than indulging his bullshit, and keeps her Gorge from Uplifting long enough to compliment the image of Rufus "shirtless and in eyeliner" -- to which he nods, quite seriously -- and once again cautions him against getting his hopes too high. He doesn't hear her whatsoever -- "I know the kids care more about the candy than the costume, but I think they appreciate the effort" -- and, seeing that he's about as delusional as Blair this week, she gets worried enough about him to just, you know, tell him the truth: there are no trick-or-treaters in this building. But will that stop him? No.

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Gossip Girl




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