Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Raised On Robbery

Speaking of fashion insanity, Jenny is wearing seven Avril Lavigne videos' worth of crap today. Seven necklaces, three neckties, one of those cute thumb shirts from five years ago where the cuffs have a thumb hole so they're like fingerless gloves, an inner tube with a duck on it, and a parrot on each shoulder. And like any teenage girl would, when confessing to her stepmother about internecine warfare, she's fucking with all of that shit simultaneously. We got Harpo Marx over here! But of course, needless to say, she looks totally amazing.

Jenny whines to Lily that that Eric is just being a baby: "I didn't do anything! I can't control every girl at school!" Lily awesomely says that yes she can, and that sending bitches to do the deed doesn't mean you didn't do it. Jenny shrugs, because the jig is up: "He sat above me on the steps!" Instead of laughing in her raccoon face, Lily totally nods and goes, "That must have put you in a very difficult position." I love that, I love how Lily is immediately like, "I understand now: You had no recourse." Jenny's relieved all the way down to her shoes, and high on sympathy goes, "Yeah! And he did it on purpose! He knew that I'd have no choice!" All of which, mind, is basically true. She begs Lily for clemency and points out that Rufus is no more capable of understanding the sophisticated mechanics at play here than he would the sophisticated mechanics of a game of Fetch.

Lily agrees, but then remembers that she's a parent and points out that Jenny should be punished in some way. Desperate not to be Joey Ramone, Jenny squeals that they already got permission for the Gimlet opening -- even though that couldn't have happened until well after Eric got home, but of course fuck me for even worrying about that -- and Lily says she can still go as long as Eric still wants to go with her, and the "so-called friends" apologize when he gets there. Jenny rolls her eyes, but I don't even think she comes up with a plan before agreeing to it, beyond not being Joey Ramone or having to watch her father make a mockery of himself and his own masculinity yet again.

Serena and Blair watch proudly as the ABC guy hands over Chuck's liquor license, but at the last second he's all, "My pleasure, I'm always happy to help out Jack Bass," and then leaves just as the music goes, What?

Blair jumps in there to distract him with more manic squawks about "the cornerstone of the new Chuck Bass Empire," and Serena shakes her head like oh girl because obviously this is Blair's doing, but then Chuck starts screaming at Serena because he doesn't know that Blair was on the original call, and has known about the opening the whole time, or about her lurking around Serena's office all day listening to all of his problems and trying to solve them in the most fucked-up ways possible. Serena just stands there waiting for Blair to man up, and finally sighs, "Blair?" Nobody moves, and Blair's like whistling Dixie and staring at the pressed-tin ceiling, so Serena half-masts her eyes and goes, "Blair. Did you call Jack?"

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Gossip Girl

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