Gossip Girl

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Raised On Robbery

Olivia spills the truth about ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ in a curtained niche, which is funny because it takes all those icons that got clasted when we talked about how those costar romances are fake, and sets them back up on their shelves, which is sort of amazing in another, slightly creepier way, and then Dan whines about some things, and Olivia explains basic shit to him some more, and ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ was in a Bruce Jenner biopic which is probably the root of his career troubles -- and not the fact that he smells like pee -- and Olivia, who is a fast learner, heaps up sixty quarts of rose-scented BS about how great Dan is, and he's relieved, so he leans in to kiss her, but then Serena appears and whisks them both away to another hallway, tells them they can kiss now, and then throws open a curtain to reveal them to the paparazzi and screams, "Look everyone it's Olivia Burke kissing her boyfriend Dan Humphrey!"

Which would be laughable and Oh So Serena, if that weren't actually how shit goes down. The truth is that this is Serena's most realistic storyline in the history of the show. So they kiss some more in front of the paparazzi, and Dan's getting off on it of course, and one of the highly literal paparazzi goes, "Olivia! If you're dating this guy, who's dating Patrick Roberts? Sad Patrick. Yeah, how about that? S j" ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ stands over in the corner looking sad and smelling like urine, and then Serena jumps out of a cake or something and goes, "I am!" And he shrugs and kisses her in a huge dip and balloons and confetti comes spilling down from the skies and Perez Hilton unfurls a huge banner across your TV that says:

GAY IS STRAIGHT. RICH IS POOR. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH. JENNIFER ANISTON IS LONELY & MISERABLE. LETTERMAN IS A HERO. BUY STOCK IN ROBSTEN. THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE VIRGINS AND SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE OK. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH BULLSHIT YOU ARE BEING SOLD EVERY SINGLE DAY. FIONA APPLE WAS RIGHT.

The front door of Gimlet is locked, with a public notice; Blair and Chuck come chuckling through the back talking about how Perez drew tears on his own photo because he wasn't there, which is amazing. And yes, blowing up the club exploded the Empire's online reservations, so it all worked out. "Now do you see I'm trustworthy again?" Chuck grins and asks her to acknowledge that she will never be entirely trustworthy, which makes her make a sad face, and then Chuck basically turns to the camera and addresses us directly: "And I admit, it's not my strong suit either... But it's part of what keeps things interesting between us!" Oh, I wasn't sure you were still interesting, thanks for telling us. Blair adds, because this is the important part, because she's a Queen without an Empire without him, that they are also a great team, and he corrects her: "No, in order to be a team, we need to focus our duplicity on others." Here, here! That's what I want. Blair puts on a grody little-girl voice and asks about whether her duplicitous acts couldn't also count as acts of love, like when a cat brings you a bird's feathered bloody head, and he says there are better ways to demonstrate love, because this episode is about people talking about sex as if they've never actually had it.

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Gossip Girl

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