Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Raised On Robbery

Nate explains that Patrick Roberts -- who might actually be grosser than Aaron Rose, which is a tall fucking order -- was supposedly her real-life boyfriend when they were filming. (I wonder what they call him on Nate's beloved EK blogs. Well, I guess ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ works just as well either way. Clever show.) So the urban legend is that Olivia and ~♥~RPATTZ~♥~ loved doing sex scenes with each other so much that they skipped the "acting" part and went right for real-life boning.

(Which is totally gross, but funny in about sixty ways. Firstly, because I'm so sure that happens anymore. Secondly, because nobody ever actually believed that real-life Carter/Blair, Serena/Dan, or Vanessa/Chuck ever actually dated, even though they've been shoving that shit down our throats since before the first season started. Thirdly, because how do you get through this entire episode without once mentioning the giant lesbian elephant in the room? Not even a tossed-off "I thought you were seriously gay until you made out with Ryan Reynolds in that theme park movie"? Come on. Although I guess we could just wait for the Runaways mullets, and that way Jenny could get some gay-adjacent PR too.)

Anyway, Dan calls Nate gay for loving EK so much he reads blogs about it, and Nate abruptly changes the subject back to how they're about to watch a tape of Dan's girlfriend fucking and maybe they should just take off their pants and get real comfortable because they're all the way in Brooklyn and nobody would ever have to know. Also, he points out that there will be noises, and Dan seems to think it's appropriate to talk about Olivia's "noises" and how he hasn't yet heard that sweet music of the night because she's always in Japan and he's too busy watching softcore with Nate in another city. Just as he's stuttering his way through a whole song and dance about how maybe one day they'll do it, GG weirdly "scoops" Perez's "scoop": A story of Olivia snatching foil-wrapped prophylactics from a jar marked FREE CONDOMS at the Student Health Center. Nate and Dan are first aroused, then furiously aroused.

At first I was confused as to why there even needs to be Perez on this show -- I've always liked the guy a lot even if his site is stupid, but what's the point -- until I realized that it's totally brilliant. Contrasting GG's relatively low-readership blog about the doings of teen socialites -- which in real life only super-creeps like me would actually scan daily for the latest PC Petersen dirt -- with something huge and kitchen-sinky like Perez is a great way to explain the clash of worlds that Olivia represents. Just thinking about that made me love this season more, because where those bubbles touch is where Serena's living now.

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Gossip Girl




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