Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Raised On Robbery

I'd like to say I saw her next insane move coming, but it's honestly so fucked up I had no idea. However, you can see how she got there: First the mention of Bass Ind., then the liquor license thing, then the idea that Bart would have a better system in place. And I hate to say this, but there's only one man we know who's actually invited Blair into the Grownup Club. It was grossly abusive and he's a rapist who nearly murdered his nephew, but there it is. The thing that's always worried me most about Blair Waldorf is the fact that of all of them, she's the least aware at any given time whether she's actually playing dress-up. It all seems real to her; even this: You've got connections? My connections go all the way to the top. I've been a grownup much longer than you.

Vanya accompanies Rufus into PRADA with a bunch of bags; Lily's wearing this amazing camel jacket that looks like orthogonal fondant and a chic black ribbon holding back her hair. The thing is that Rufus has bought a bunch of candy because he is all excited about Halloween, but what he doesn't know... What Rufus Humphrey doesn't know could fill a fucking Olympic pool, but what he doesn't know in this instance is that A) nobody trick-or-treats in their building, and B) Gimlet is a go. "Charles invited us to his club opening, and I want to go be supportive. I'm sure Vanya would love to take all of this candy..." Rufus puts his stupid little foot down and commands his woman in on uncertain to desist, because that they are not going to Gimlet.

Instead of punching him in his stupid chokered throat, Lily explains that yes they are, because she already got costumes, and Rufus quotes her on how they shouldn't embarrass the kids anymore -- I love doubly how in this episode "the kids" includes "Charles" -- and she's like, "Um, yeah, when it's embarrassing bullshit like making us dress up like the Ramones" -- Rufus points out quietly that Jenny would make a good Joey -- "Not when it's an awesome classy elegant Prohibition party." Rufus stomps his stupid foot again and whines about how "there's nothing classy about being at a party with your parents," which is another neat evasion of the entire fucking point, and once again states his command: "We can dress up and pass out candy."

Vanya stares at them, what with Rufus all lit up and pushy and Lily somehow managing not to just hold her hand out for his credit card then and there. As Rufus's puffed-up chest goes stomping around and knocking priceless objets off the shelves, Lily singsongs her thanks to Vanya before quietly pulling out a stunning last-minute power recovery: "He just seems so happy [about the imaginary trick-or-treaters], I couldn't bear to take his candy away yet." Vanya grins and leaves. Good for you, Lily! If you want to be treated like a man, act like one. If you want to be treated like a baby, ditto. It's the exact same amount of work for the rest of us either way.

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Gossip Girl




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