EMPIRE

Chuck: "Dr. Barnes, what are you doing here?"
Barnes: "A house call is a little out of the ordinary in my line..."

I'll stop you right there, because this whole thing is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it.

Sample dialogue: "I applaud your persistence, Dr. Barnes, but I've searched the far corners of my mind, and I'm not hiding anything, from you or myself. I'm an open book."

She tries to get him to talk about Blair, he's not interested, she says the "nightmares" are about him being in denial about this (half true!), blah blah, finally he cracks open some secret compartment or something and shows her the Harry Winston rock that got his ass murdered, and that's his big catharsis: He hasn't returned it to the store yet.

So could Barnes just take it, and donate it to charity or something? Or keep it and sell it and pay off her father's debts and get the fuck out of this offensively stupid storyline? That's what I would do. Sell that mother. But no, she's so blown away by him handing her this symbolic jewelry that suddenly she's like, "My father's debts be damned, I don't need Monaco's money, not at the price of this young man's soul. I told him Dan Humphrey's penis was Blair, but it's not. It's just the regular penis of a poor person."

Dear Prince of Monaco, I couldn't possibly misuse my therapeutic training to fuck up Chuck Bass's mind. Doctors don't work that way, psychology doesn't work that way, minds don't work that way. This is retarded, and thanks for playing. But on the other hand I wouldn't worry too much about it because I don't really think he's a romantic rival for you. Just give it a couple years, this shit will work itself out. The skyscraper is Dan Humphrey's penis. Love, Dr. Barnes.

BETTINGER

Serena's attempt at jocularity: "So Mr. Screenwriter, are you ready for your first ever development meeting?"
Dan's attempt at humor, maybe: "I think so, as long as you guys don't want to change the ending. Or the beginning. Or all the stuff in the middle."

Jane shows up with Natalie from WB and they talk about how they love, love everything about the novel and just want to change, change just a couple things, things, and turn it into hell. The ideas include "Open up the world of the Upper East Side a little bit more! Rich people are so hard to like. Maybe add someone more relatable?"