Gossip Girl
I Am Number Nine

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
This Is My Idea Of Fun

Dear Diana, sorry but I can't do my job to day because I have to hang out being ritually abused by Blair Waldorf for zero reasons. Hopefully somebody will die during the Minion Wars. Hopefully it will be Penelope. Will send pix. XOXO, Cousin Peepers.

BARNES

Barnes: "Louis Grimaldi, His Serene Highness the Prince of Monaco! Why are you handing me an envelope of money in plain sight outside my place of business?"
Louis: "Dr. Barnes, who is a Manhattan therapist that barely blinked at tossing away Chuck's hundred grand, I am giving you this money to pay off your father's debts."
Barnes: "Thanks! I couldn't pay for those because I don't have any money. Besides all this money I totally have. Now, what can I do for you?"
Louis: "[Sometimes when he talks it is so gross. He's real cute and I feel bad saying it, but sometimes just words coming out of his mouth makes me want to fucking vomit. Maybe in French it sounds better, but his English sounds like somebody choking on oysters sometimes. Just a gullet full of oysters, slippin' and slidin' around.]"
Barnes: "Sure, I will turn Chuck back into a monster for you so I can have all this money that I already have. Hand it to me in public."

EMPIRE

Chuck: "Dr. Barnes, what are you doing here?"
Barnes: "A house call is a little out of the ordinary in my line..."

I'll stop you right there, because this whole thing is so stupid I don't even want to talk about it.

Sample dialogue: "I applaud your persistence, Dr. Barnes, but I've searched the far corners of my mind, and I'm not hiding anything, from you or myself. I'm an open book."

She tries to get him to talk about Blair, he's not interested, she says the "nightmares" are about him being in denial about this (half true!), blah blah, finally he cracks open some secret compartment or something and shows her the Harry Winston rock that got his ass murdered, and that's his big catharsis: He hasn't returned it to the store yet.

So could Barnes just take it, and donate it to charity or something? Or keep it and sell it and pay off her father's debts and get the fuck out of this offensively stupid storyline? That's what I would do. Sell that mother. But no, she's so blown away by him handing her this symbolic jewelry that suddenly she's like, "My father's debts be damned, I don't need Monaco's money, not at the price of this young man's soul. I told him Dan Humphrey's penis was Blair, but it's not. It's just the regular penis of a poor person."

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Gossip Girl

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