Turns out today was a lie, and actually it was supposed to be Sorkin the entire time -- the fact that this show equates Aaron Sorkin with Akiva Goldsman, okay -- but first they needed to convince Dan to get off the script, which meant fooling both of them. And not only that, but because Aaron Sorkin's first movie apparently was the Facebook movie, dropping his name as writer means Jane intends to "Zuckerberg" Dan; make the whole movie about what a fucking jerk he is. Which, right by being wrong I guess. It's a fine and funny idea, but not really the point of Aaron Sorkin or movies or ... writing.
Blair shows them a very awesome giant picture of Nate Archibald and -- for contrived reasons that barely make sense as she is saying them -- tasks the potential bridesmaids with getting a kiss from Nate before the night is over. Ivy, obviously, is going to bend to this task, oilcan-squeal of a voice and all.
SERENA & IVY GET SOME DATES
Serena: "Hey, will you be my date to that party I kept saying I wasn't going to go to? Because I have a scheme to do."
Dan: "Let me guess, Jane loves me again now that I quit the movie."
Serena: "No, you still aren't that relevant. But close."
Ivy: "Hey, why are you sulking in the Empire? Where I just stalked you?"
Nate: "Because I am so about this girl and she keeps pretending I'm just the stupid boy-toy she picked up in California. Which I am."
Ivy, massaging his thigh creepily: "You should fight fire with fire and make her jealous with me as your date, and also kiss me so I can be a bridesmaid of Blair Waldorf, a thing I want for no reason that sounds ass-terrible. Pick me up at six."
Louis: "Dr. Barnes, here is another giant envelope of money out in public. How is it going with Chuck?"
Barnes: "You need to stop doing this, and stop calling me. I believe in Chuck again or something, whatever, my calling and career are secondary to how much I respect a teen rapist."
Louis: "[Gross French sounds.]"
But Chuck can see them! Because they are in public at the same dog park where he met Dr. Barnes! He hides behind a tree, and watches them give each other money and whatever, and maybe this is what will do it. He calls her and leaves this message that sounds like he is just about ready to talk about the skyscraper and/or jump off one. Maybe he will do her in. Maybe he will do something that is interesting, sometime.