Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Jack stares, Chuck grins. Nobody can believe that Blair just went so incredibly Blair on everybody's ass. Even Queller's like, "My mind is so blown that I have no rebuttal." Chuck immediately stands up and lights another hash joint, as GG drips delightful poison all over the place in a way where I have nothing to add: "Pop Quiz: What do you get when you cross Chuck Bass, a billion dollars, and Bart cold in the ground? Free fall."

"Like A Spoke On A Wheel" by The Little Ones plays over the next scene, which isn't that interesting except for how every song this week is about wheels, revolutions, spins, returns, and Dan and S are getting together for five seconds and B is trying and failing to escape C's orbit and R is finally jumping into the Olympic-sized pool of twenty years ago. It's cool and it goes like this. (There's no emoticon for "turtleneck" so just imagine Rufus is wearing a turtleneck twice the horror of previous turtlenecks, and yes I do include both his ladies' rollneck cardigan and that retarded Stormwatch costume he was wearing in the Snowflake Ball episode when I say this.)

J: hey dan what up
D: fking nothing
R: fking nothing
J: ok but i rule ok
D: ok
R: ok eat ur breakfast and STFU
J: okay Lonelyboy and S tho
R: never spk of this because calculus of incest somehw
J (and I quote): "Dad, Serena's like the best thing that's ever happened to Dan. I mean, she's smart, she's funny, and she's like nine levels hotter than him LOL. [To his credit, Dan also LOL heartily at this point because he knows it and we all do.] Come on, get onboard! Dan Serena Dan Serena whoo!"

R: opfflimits
D: because dad = wtever
J: but y but y but y !!!!!!
R: u can be homelse if you wants
J: school time bye xoxo
D: ps f u dad
R: f u back ps ur gay in the bks
D: no ilu for 45 seconds dick l8r
J: but y but y but y xoxoxo!@!!
R: wish i shoot blnks god

Blair sits on a Constance bench like a throne while Jenny and Penelope rhetoricize Nelly Yuki's fate (and more importantly is implications) for her Solomon-like adjudication. (But how great would it be like, "Free-thinking Constancistes! Five members of Plastic Bitch Nation! Population 1 of Yuki Nelly Is A Person World! I will cut Nelly Yuki into thirds!") Jenny points out that Nelly has put in -- and only in the UES would this math work -- a whole year of being their bitch, so WTF is Penelope doing breaking into her locker and smashing her glasses? Which is like half of the already pussy treatment that Jenny had to weather before she threw in the towel, although it's worth it for the visual of Nelly Yuki turning toward the camera with nerd tape on her nose bridge I guess. And this is where everybody gets awesome at once.

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Gossip Girl




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