Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

B: tru but this time zombie face zombie omgface
S: wait ur 4 real
B: real like my blumia
S: ok lets fix and save lifes but 1st u have 2 wiat so i can bone in bklyn lol
B: so poor
S: duh lol

B nods and smiles through her tears and stands in the hallway as they get smaller and smaller, and she gets smaller and smaller and then finally sniffs, pulls it together, dials Dorota and tells her to get her hostess on: she'll be home after one more thing. Don't you kind of want to find every high school kid you know and tell them this is how the world actually works? They can't conceive of a life without hideous consequences for skipping out on an hour of the day, and you know that after college your whole life is about skipping class and covering your ass for it, and this is more real than they can possibly know, because if high school kids knew for one second how silly and micromanaged those twelve years looked from here, they would start doing crack immediately. (Or, if they're B -- and you're very lucky if so -- trading crack for ladies' auxiliaries? I still can't manage my free time properly, and I stopped going to classes in like sophomore year, so who really wins anyway. If I'd had a shot at the Colony Club, much less Chuck Bass, I would have blown off high school too.) But before we can get to B's amazing errand, we get to hear "Will Scarlet" by the lovely Magic Bullets back at the effing Pinkberry.

Nowadays we're barely fitting in
When I saw you it was like a dream...
You smiled like I caught you stealing
But something told me not to kid myself again

P: omg
H, bumping into her like Shemp: omg
Iz, bumping into H like Moe: omg
H: ow wtf omg little j and little e and nelly yuki at OUR TABLE!!!L@!

OK, let's lie to each other one more time
Like "Everything is fine" and "Oh, I'm doing so well on my own"

J: let me do talking like in mtgs with agnes crzy
Nelly Yuki: will vomt now
J: dont and let me do the talking
E: penelpe is going to kill all the world with bombs starting with us

There was nothing cool about that move
And I hated all the small talk

P: look cnt leave this table or else
Iz: i will count to numbers
J: i am unstoppable and dnt care bcause im the spirit of che Guevara
P: srsly this s all i have is being a bitca and i will kill u then
J: im like maude gonne of ur ass right now
Iz: counting to 2
J: everybody be cool let them eat pinkberry and you can suck it
P: ill ground ur bones to make me bread
J: grind your STFU and suck my dick ok lol
H: this is a sandstill lets go
P: DO YOU BITE YOUR THUMB AT ME SIR
J: this is revolution bitch ok lol
P: im claling my dad ok and telling him ur a bitca
J: i set yr dad on fire with my awsom
E: u need to calm down
J: u r all my bitcas im the dk phenix w/ chimney sweep eyeliner
P: ok lol my dad eat ur lunch we out
J: apr├Ęs moi le deluge

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