Now, everybody thinks I enjoy these moments of total horror -- in Battlestar or Serenity or Farscape or whatever -- but the truth is: I have not gotten this far in life by paying a single gram of attention to my own personal dark shit. I firmly believe in pushing those feelings down, down, down, to a place they can never get between me and success. In this way, feelings are just like carbohydrates, and I like them that way, and I will write about them until I am blue in the face, but never mistake that for enjoyment. Feelings never got you anywhere except the Land of More Fucking Feelings, and much like crack cocaine or Dave Matthews Band or Scientology or any other cult, that's a journey of a thousand miles that starts with a single step. No thank you, sir or madam, I prefer life here on this side of the line; I don't know how your family works but we were raised right: to be an army of Rhodes bitches flailing in a morass of Humphreys begging to love us and not understanding how just by asking out loud they fucked the whole thing up.
Leave my memoirs in blood on the floor
So when I say that Miss Blair is headed upstairs to pull a serious Allie Sheedy on herself, I don't expect you to understand; she follows the steps like one of Mystery's secret precious little homosexuals, thing by thing by thing. This is how you grow up and become an adult, no matter how young you are or how much love you deserve, no matter how much the rest of the world is throwing themselves on the road to prove that you are enough, you will always be enough, exactly who you are is enough: First you look yourself in the eye, and you just command yourself not to feel. It won't work, that's just lubrication for the Waldorf magic spell you're casting. Give yourself into tears, but never let them fall. Watch yourself in the mirror, having the memory of feeling, the dry and tearless echo of a fear and a pain and a heartbreak. Good: you're shaking, your body says it's sobbing. But your eyes are dry.
Fate always loses hold
Like electric sparks in my heart
Fate always loses hold
Now be a good girl and do what you're told
Give into it -- not too much, not too little, not enough -- and when you're done rehearsing what you would feel if you could feel, you stare that wooden thing in the mirror down, and choose a face, and live there. I command myself to be stronger than I thought I could be. "Were you going to tell me you love me again?" he said; "Were you going to tell me you love me again?" he said. I command myself to be stronger than my weakness. Watch your skin go cold. All the clothes that make up Blair, make up Audrey, make up Grace: take them all off. See her disappear into it. If you can never be enough, then you don't have to try at all. Be nothing at all; beyond the burlesque is the place of the naked, and beyond that place is everything there ever was. Become a blank slate, like with Marcus: give yourself to the Colony Club, ten years too early, and let them tell you what to be next. Shudder and gasp for air and become something new. Shut it down. Button up.