Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

"So there's still no word from Chuck?" Eric says he's been MIA since the funeral, but Uncle Jack's traveling the world looking for him. Who? "Bart's younger brother, he does something for Bass Industries in Australia. He landed and kind of took charge. Somebody had to..." There's a Thai lady in a ridiculous opium den, setting up a pipe, tapping it in. "So the only real question remaining" to GG is: "Where in the world is Chuck Bass?" The answer is smoking opium, but it would be more awesome if he were doing it in Imogen Heap's Carmen Sandiego hat. "And is he ever coming back?" I'm guessing yes. The Department of Eagles officially agrees, and worries for them both: "No one does it like you/ No one does it like you/ I tried so hard..."

Dan slams his laptop shut on the song as Rufus enters, luggage in hand. They exposit that Vanessa is still with her parents, as though anybody cares including them, and then there's an awkward conversation that basically comes down to Rufus lying his ass off. He said he was going to find a painter somewhere out of town -- Boston -- but when he comes back he says he can't find the sculptor, and because Dan can't ever help himself when it comes to correcting you or calling bullshit, he reminds Rufus it was a painter, and Rufus is like, "Mixed media," and is of uncertain gender. Of course, the secret code that we know and Dan doesn't is that "painter" and "sculptor" are both code for "mysterious baby" and "mixed media" is code for "unholy miscegenation between the house of Humphrey and Lily's good Rhodes genes" and that he doesn't know the gender of the baby because Lily is all class, all the time, and does not feel like telling Rufus jackshit.

Rufus awkwardly segues to a manhug, which of course distracts Dan because he's ever so lonely and touch-hungry, and they discuss Jenny's return to school. Rufus actually fist-pumps and makes a huh sound, speaking of bathetic grotesquerie, and Dan's like, "Sure, it's great." Rufus, who actually has a fuckload going on in this episode if you look for it, can't bear to let his son leave the house after such an unsatisfactory search for the kid -- What will we call him? I'm calling him Inspektor Pilot -- and just wants to sort of drag Dan off to a futon and drink tea and spoon him to death until he's forty, because the only thing Rufus has ever been clear on is how much he loves his kids. But, and this is nicely subtle, Dan knows none of this, so he reacts the way any teenage boy would react to this, which is to pretty much tell his dad to stop being a wuss and following him around like Nelly Yuki.

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Gossip Girl




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