Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Chuck walks through Victrola, all alone in the crowd, looking at the women dancing, fleshy and crude and sort of dunzo. They pretend to kiss, girl on girl; they pretend to fuck, ass to ass; nothing means anything anymore. It's all a put on, we're all putting t on. His thoughts turn to death as they often do these days, and the song is not helping, even if it's by one of my favorite bands ever ever, because what it's saying is less about him and more about her:

She ricochets and you don't notice
She's in your head and you just don't notice
When I focus I never miss
It starts with a kiss

She ricochets, and you don't notice. She's still doing it, and you don't know it. Eric appears at his elbow, jouncing the limb, bringing him out of his reverie; Eric welcomes his home as ever, reminds him he has a home as always. Chuck admits he doesn't remember much about Thailand, which is the point of visiting Thailand, which is the point of Thailand. "You should come home, Chuck," Eric says, and Chuck thinks about how he's going to. "I think I'll take in the view from above," Chuck says, to the boy hospitalized for a suicide attempt. "It was nice having you as my little brother," Chuck says, giving Eric back everything he took last week, with interest, and then drawing a line underneath it. Eric was the last goodbye; this is the last goodbye now, and Eric doesn't even hear it. Chuck walks away, and the space he leaves is empty.

Jenny summons Eric by text outside, where Penelope and the Plastics are amassing for one final Upper East Side Story blowout, I guess, and then Jenny appears from the shadows and explains how, thanks to Nelly Yuki, she has just composed quite the GG post, between Penelope fucking her dad's junior partner, Hazel hooking up with her cousin (twice), and something so raunchy about Iz that nobody wants to discuss it. "Duh, you win," says Penelope, which is awesome, and Jenny reminds them they were stupid to tell Nelly Yuki that stuff if they were just going to be a-holes to her afterwards, and tells them they need to back up off both her jock and Nelly Yuki's, and they're like, FINE, and then Hazel asks Jenny about her thoughts on some random party, and everybody on our side of the revolution realizes Jenny just totally won. Nice, right? But never forget Jenny's last name: eight letters, starts with H and ends with WHHHHHY.

So instead of using this new power for good, Jenny goes all Humphrey about how her head is too precious to wear the crown, and Penelope goes, "You're telling me this was just a good deed? Oh my God, I'm so bored," and pushes past her, and that's when Nelly Yuki is like "Oh fuck, miscalculation on my part" and explains how this whole episode was a total scheme on her part to install Jenny as the new queen and take advantage of the regime change. Which is sort of awesome, and which only becomes more awesome as Jenny yells defeatedly, "You played me? You? Nelly Yuki?" Nelly apologizes for wasting everybody's time, and Eric points out that even though the revolution was neither televised nor actualized, it was a great run-through for Jenny's future personal personhood, in that she was really great at rehearsing being an empowered young lady, and then they go for hot chocolate. Because what tastes better than four years of uninterrupted fun in high school, at the simple price of playing the game which you're going to be doing for a hundred years anyway, is hanging out with one dude for all of high school and talking about how you were a famous fashion designer for five seconds. And if Humphriana hadn't worn out its welcome this week anyway, let's journey now to the House of PRADA, where Rufus is about to go another round with ambivalence.

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