Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

R: Lonelyboy knows!
L: knows what lol
R: about pilot inspektor!
L: o shit
R: i know right and now u r a whore
L: not exactly but my kids r going to freek
R: good because youre a whore right
L: well no see u are a flake even today 2009 and i couldnt raise a child and u still cant
R: being a father is what i am good at
L: not really and also sorry srsly but i made the right choice
R: lets have th same conversatin about tht 4 a billion times
L: y???????? lol
R: bcause eventually u will agree tht u are a whore
L: doubtful lol but ok

R: im a rly good father and i dont hate u ilu xoxo
L: a/s/l
R: choker, shaghy hair and puppy eyeballs plus i play guitar 2 and cry look *cry*
L: ok guess im a whore 4 making the right decision 20 yrs ago
R: that means so much 2 me ilu xoxo
L: great lets go ruin another child!!1!
R: great then we will b 5 for 5 lol

At Victrola, Serena finally runs into Dan even though they've been five feet apart this whole time and she's eleven feet tall, but whatever, they're practically brother and sister now which is sort of hot, so she's like "Let's talk!" and he's like, "Even though that's what we always, always say, and never actually do, I was totally going to say that!" They're in sync like Lea Thompson and Calvin Klein, these two. So he hustles her off to be all Gossip Girl on her ass about shit that doesn't concern him, and B runs up in time to watch them run off, and Jackbass jumps in front of her and he's all, "GREAT TO SEE YA" and she hilariously goes, "Aren't you a little old to be here?" Here, where all the alcohol and strippers are, don't you feel out of place with all the tweens of this show? Look, there's Eric who doesn't drink and isn't even into boobs. Don't you feel like you belong here and we don't, only the opposite? Jack's like, "All I like is teenage girls and strippers, just like Chuck," and Eric explains how Chuck TOTALLY JUST WENT UPSTAIRS TO COMMIT SUICIDE and Jackbass is like, "That sounds quaint," and B runs to fix it and Jackbass disengages his limbs from All Over Eric long enough to go stop her from stopping Chuck from killing himself and shoves a drink in Eric's hand, and Eric's like, "As lame as Jenny is, you people are worse."

Upstairs, Chuck is redefining drama queen, sucking down whisky and singing "Spanish Ladies" because apparently suicide and piratehood are just centimeters apart, matey, and Jack tries to scare Chuck into jumping off the roof under the guise of caring, and Blair actually cares so hard, like a Care Bear Stare, than Chuck goes down off the ledge and they cry for awhile and Jack pouts like the bad guy at the end of a Scooby Doo episode because Chuck isn't dead yet, and the whole thing takes ten minutes but basically it's Chuck being super sexy and staring into space some more like he's been doing the whole episode. B gives a pretty good speech about how C can do whatever self-destructive shit he wants, but it will fuck with B's life and they both know what a bad idea that is, and so once again her basic OCD saves the day.

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Gossip Girl




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