Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Jenny's all distracted as they reach the Constance/St. Jude's steps, and Eric is just about exhausted from trying to get her to process her feelings about returning to the school, what with Penelope going slowly batshit and Hazel suddenly becoming hot and all that. It's so funny to think about how the only reason she actually left Constance in the first place was because Penelope slapped her tampons out of her hand, you know? Like why wouldn't you be all post-traumatic going back to the scene of that vicious crime? "Please, Eric. Really, in the past four months, I have faced down Eleanor Waldorf, I've hijacked a society gala, E grinning. I had my entire collection torched by a crazy model and was basically homeless, so I can handle high school."

One of my private favorite things in recaps is doing that, like: Here's what has happened to Jenny in the last month. It always makes me laugh, especially if you're watching a show with somebody who doesn't know it particularly well and you can be like, "Well, she used to be married to that guy there, even though she's in love with that guy Ethan -- even though in real life she's married to the Green Arrow who's even hotter -- but she got stabbed in the spine and paralyzed like six different times by Gwen, and then thrown down the stairs in her wheelchair, so now she's getting marital-raped on a constant basis by this old guy here, but it's okay because she's slowly poisoning his guacamole as part of a dastardly plan to become Mrs. Doubtfire and get Ethan for good. This all happened on Christmas Eve."

Eric knows better than to believe a goddamn thing that comes out of your Humphrey mouth, and cocks his adorable head at her like a dog hearing a sound. The sound is Jenny's nervousness, she admits, and it is deafening. The Temporary Thing plays: "Yesterday I was blue/ I was crying over you/ But today's not the same/ Things are going to go my way..." Nelly Yuki runs up all OMG about how great it is that Jenny's back, as though they've ever been in a scene together -- which even Jenny notes to herself -- and Penelope calls across to Nelly Yuki to get her ass in check because they're not allowed to talk to Jenny, and Hazel throws in one of those hoary old complicated-coffee jokes from like the age of Seinfeld ("double tall no foam dry cap") as shorthand for the fact that they are bitches. However, points for "...with two Splendas," not because it's so timely and carb-sensitive, but because Hazel's real name is "Dreama" and I always want to call her "Splenda," even though it's not her fault.

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Gossip Girl




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