Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Jenny's like, "Wait, they treat you like shit?" And Eric explains that she's been gone awhile, which is a lot nicer than saying, "While Jenny was homeless she apparently tried crystal meth and has thus lost her memories of this entire show, in which the Plastics act like this all the time." The Plastics will be punishing her, of course, so Nelly Yuki runs off with a tossed-back "If I even dreamed of defecting, Penelope and the others would make my life hell. Or more hell." This makes Jenny sad, of course, because this episode is partly about the Jenny/Blair parallels and how once you've transcended the Plastics you can't ever really believe in them again, so both Blair and Jenny spend the episode remembering/explaining that Mean Girlism is stupid, and nobody hears them. Eric's like, "Girl, don't you go getting all Vanessa Abrams on this shit. It's only Nelly Yuki. She's barely a person anyway, and bitchy girls have been doing this since Ayla invented leave-in conditioner."

Blair and Dorota hoof it to the apartment just as the limo's driving up. Uncle Jack gets out, looking like the hot/smart version of Quinn from Dexter, but B's none too happy to see him. "Blair. You came to greet us!" He's exactly the same amount of yucky with everybody, it's so gross and awesome, like, he puts his arm around Eric at the end of the episode like he's somewhere between his little brother and his girlfriend, although to be fair that's the way everybody on this show treats him, because he combines the DNA of little brothers, girlfriends, and adorable puppies. Blair spits that no motherfucking way is she there to greet Jack, she's there of course for Chuck, and where is he. Jack found him in a Bassôtel in Bangkok ("I mean, you hear the term Den Of Iniquity, but until you really see it..." he says, which is funny and well-delivered but would be funnier if it were constructed grammatically so that it doesn't seem like he's calling Bass Industries out) and B again interrupts his smarmy self, demanding to see Chuck.

Or the remains of him. Jack, burbling unnecessary French, hauls Chuck bodily out of the limo and holds him up like a ragdoll. Blair and Dorota are horrified in a very specific way, which is that they were expecting his dissolution to be about a 9 and what they're seeing is about a 90, but Jack's all grins as he carries him inside: "Tell his teachers he'll be taking a personal day." He's just so rakish and charming! I hope they do that thing with him that they always do on Schwartz/Savage shows where the evil person is actually complicated and sort of loveable. I mean, it seems clear that he's interested in passively murdering Chuck so that he can be a bajillionaire, and there is the slightest hint of trust-fundy sexual-deviant "pee on me" stuff coming off him, and his doings with B are mysterious and fucked up for sure, but he's still probably a better person than, say, Vanessa Abrams.

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Gossip Girl

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