Gossip Girl
In The Realm Of The Basses

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Where In The Hell Is Chuck Bass? San Diego?

Serena says that she stalled on that, not because she was so mojitore-up that she ended up blowing the entire Buena Vista Social Club in order of seniority, but because she wanted to give them both time to... Do whatever it is they do while pretending to really "think" about their relationship and whatever. Snore. I mean, this time it's awesome because they have double-incest issues now and you just know this is somehow going to end with Serena punching Dan in the box, so it's no skin off my ass if they are, in GG's words, spotted "kicking off the New Year like it's last year." GG says not to break out the bubbly just yet, but fuck that, because the most awful thing Aaron Rose took away with him -- less missed than the Ramen-and-Wii funk or the statutory-prone photographers, more horrifying than his ninth-grader summerstache -- was hopefully Serena's stupid sobriety. Some time later, Serena's lying in wait for B, haunting the hallways -- Does she have classes? Why am I even asking? -- and the embrace madly and squeal and it's lovely, and then they start talking in text-message form.

S: wheres C?
B: full of drugs lol
S: glad hes back
B: i fuckd up
S: ruok
B: told C ilu
S: yay!!!!!!! omg lol
B: omfg bad idea
S: ?
B: no xoxo frthcmng nd went 2 bangkok for hos
S: C so crazy but its ok lol he xoxo
B: no bcause now he is crzy scary
S: aww lol

Then Dan runs up and throws himself on Serena like she's a futon as big as the Ritz and Blair excuses herself to, and I quote, "Go vomit now." Oh, girl. So anyway, Dan spirits Serena away so they can go get her pregnant with Pilot Inspektor's granddaughter-uncle-cousin-ombudsman-flange.

Lily enters the gallery looking resplendent and then they also kind of go all texty. This episode isn't long on subtext, really.

R: where r my pilot inspektor
L: idk lol
R: where r my pilot inspektor
L: ask chuck lol
R: nt even giv me the optn of abndoning her!!!1!
L: ^him
R: ok him where r
L: l8r lol
R: no I haz 2 smother pilot inspektor
R: or abandon him
L: sorry srsly
R: then im find him neway
L: go 4 it lol
R: rly for reals
L: good luck buddy lol
L: ydid u even call me 100 times then

At Pinkberry, Hazel would like a refill of VITAMIN WATER from Nelly Yuki's bottle, where she sits with it at another table; she signals this desire by shaking her ice in Nelly Yuki's direction in its plastic cup. Jenny's horrified, Eric tells her to turn away because there was nobody to speak for Jenny already, so she's not going to burn herself by not speaking for Nelly Yuki or anybody else. This revolution will not be advised. Finally when Penelope makes Nelly Yuki rub a smudge off her bright yellow shoe, though, Jenny feels the spirit of either Che Guevara or Vanessa Abrams enter her body, and she strides across that motherfucking wartorn Pinkberry like the Mouse that Roared and... politely asks Penelope to be nicer to Nelly Yuki. And if she weren't a Humphrey I would be like, "Thus stupidly ensuring that Nelly Yuki's going to be pelted with locker room heavy flow* maxipads by the end of the day," but she's a Humphrey so we have a sliding scale. A+ for intention, but H for... Humphrey.

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