Speaking of whores, how's B doing? Well, it would be one billion times easier to care if Jack hadn't all of a sudden become sexy as hell. It's not the storyline and it's not the character and for Xtina's sake it's not the hair or goatee, but for some reason this retardo story has unleashed the secret sexy awesome inside of Desmond Harrington, which as always eluded me. So while we're supposed to be like What Stop No Way, he keeps applying from within himself the secret hotness that would have made the last couple seasons a lot more powerful. Like, I really do want to sleep with him, and -- given that satanic, boyish grin -- I want to make it as gross as possible, just because that seems delightful. And then there's Blair, who's like, "Get it up or don't, pretend you are not a rapist or don't, just fuck me and get it over with." And he stays adorable. Sign of a classy rapist.

Just kidding, they're never going to do it. Instead, the only time they hooked up was like an accidental asterisk on a voicemail from like 1997, like a story that we forgot so now we create a story actually happening to justify the driveby of the previous storyline. I can't remember when it came up, but I almost feel like it was during Blair's flirtation with Carter Baizen, who is adorable but more importantly, like, the gold standard of off-brand secret dick. Just ask Nate!

So Jack is like, "Just kidding! Rape is about power, not sex! I would only rape Lily Bass because she took my company via Chuck!" And Blair's like, "If I'm not here for sex, then what?" And Jack says, "It's not you I'm fucking, it's your boyfriend! Who is fucking you by having you fake-fuck me and getting fucked in a whole other way! See, you're a whore, right? And Chuck is disgusting. So all I had to do was ask him for you, and he totally gave you up, including all your luxurious emotional PIN goodness, and now I'm reaping -- nbut not nreaping! -- the benefits. Kiss me or don't, but your boyfriend is a motherless shithole. Wanna fuck?" And again, it's a testament to his ability to turn it on and off that I was like, "Um, without question? Are you serious? He has never once been this hot, or this nasty, or this overcoming of his face and in this case goatee. I don't, not to be rude, but I don't see how this is even a question. Have you seen his sick gleeful capering as he says this shit? Dealmaker. Shut it down."