Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
All You Need Is Kill

So S assumes, again correctly, that if you're finding yourself "crossing some moral line to best Jack Bass," then you've already lost. (Which is true, although it's funny that the previews and Previouslies keep quoting Serena's line about how if Jack wants a war he'll get one, which she didn't say.) She wonders what B's not telling her, which is obvs a lot, and Blair's like, "Never mind! I brought cannon fodder in the form of my minions." Which, how amazing that we're still pretending they exist, freaky twins and all.

So cut the crap, because I've cut my soul/ With knives and anything that I can hold
You'll find me swimming in your head/ Before you can count 1-2-3

Eric, having figured out and kept secret the fact that Jenny is squiring Birthday Boy all over town, calls Jenny to remind her that Nate needed to be at the fĂȘte "no later than an hour ago," and hisses delightfully at her, Serena-to-Blair style, to get the fuck there. "I'm determined to believe he'll arrive momentarily," S informs Dan in an awesomely formal way, and points out all of Nate's Columbia friends, who have arrived and are getting bored. What on earth would a Nate Friend look like? Glad you asked. They look like extras.

I've been tricked, poisoned, mislead in what I've been told
And our hearts are lit with darkness/ Falling down down down

Dan goes to grab Vanessa's camera, Polaroid film in hand, because this version of Assassin is dumb -- or possibly brilliant, UES-wise -- in that it's like touch football and you snatch photos of each other. Seems silly but even in the down-and-dirty game of pretend murder, do you really want to fuck up your clothes? He finds the marked-to-hell copy of his story, realizes that V lied about her notes -- in response only to his total lie, naturally, not that he would ever think about that, I mean, she actually gave him good notes instead of just pussing out like he did on the whole concept, forcing her to lie -- and then she runs up and he snaps her for the game: "Smile like the killer you are!" Dan Humphrey, you absolute tampon.

And it's the cheapness of the world that's been getting me down
With everyone screwing each other and anything they've found

Upstairs, Chuck is having a bit of a freakout when B comes to check on him. The lawyers, who we already knew were bad but I guess it was just that one guy, say it's totally Jack's right to shutter the place. "I just have to watch it die, a slow painful death," he says, not at all melodramatically. Blair climbs up on her usual, putting herself and their love at the center of the issue and recapping previous stuff as is her wont: "When you bought the Empire, you told me you knew you could do it because I believe in you. That hasn't changed. You'll find a way!" He gets violently scary for a second and tells her to grow up, because there is no way. Because he has to yell, to scare her, at least once before the dominos start falling.

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Gossip Girl

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