Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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All You Need Is Kill

Vanquished, Serena heads inside, where Chuck is stabbing a fake knife into his leg, again and again and again. He's already dead, we just don't know it yet. She asks after Blair, "I assume she's still slaying," but she never picked up her Polaroid. "You know Blair, she's probably cheating!" Serena giggles. The wordplay in this episode is exquisite. Not because any one thing is mindblowing, but because there are so many games going on and the dialogue touches every single one in every situation. Great stuff. So Chuck finally mans up, and goes to see if B took his bait, and finds the abandoned dress box and the note about "saving her man," and makes what we think is an inscrutable face but is in fact a face of self-loathing and triumph and regret and shock at himself and herself and themselves and reactionary rage, all at once. And elsewhere, Blair walks into Jack's suite and drops the jacket, showing off her dress with mad determination in her eyes. And, I'm not ashamed to say, Uncle Jack does what he hasn't done in three seasons of this show or his two on Dexter, which is get insanely hot all of a sudden. Childlike glee and horniness in equal amounts, which is what you really want in a john.

Jack plays the situation out at length, all about how the memory of NYE brought her back, and how it's only semantic that she's doing this for Chuck, and she produces an actual contract (with, as a freelancer, language I recognized immediately) that he needs to sign. Jack asks if, like most whores, her conditions include no kissing, but the terms are obvious: "You'll tell Chuck that you realized he isn't worth losing Bass Australia over. Now that you've devalued the Empire, you're willing to sell it back. At a profit, of course, so he doesn't suspect anything. And Chuck can never know." Jack giggles and then gets all horny and scary... And then offers her a drink first, because he's just playing with them both.

Jenny chases Nate through somewhere -- a dining room, a kitchen -- that we might recognize from the pilot. And they're adorable, and then weirdly she calls out to the patrons, "The grilled cheese with truffles is really good, by the way!" Which is, stick with this for a second, the thing that Chuck offered to make for Serena the day she came back to town, when he tried to preparty by raping her before going off to rape Jenny. I mean, that's there for a reason. I don't know what it is -- Jenny finally turning the corner from Being Blair to Becoming Bad Serena? -- but it's odd, and scary, and a little frisky. And in an episode that's all about revisiting Jenny's martyrdom three years ago, especially interesting. Dorota can't remember Culkin Face's adorable name because she's getting married or some shit, so Eric takes off because yes Virginia, there's stuff more important that illegal weddings and other imaginary shit. Like boys.

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Gossip Girl

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