Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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All You Need Is Kill

Back from break, Blair gives him a strict no ("I'd rather spend the night with the Marquis De Sade. And yes, I know he's dead") so Jack starts applying the pressure points Chuck gave him: "I'm surprised... Knowing how attached Chuck is to his hotel, what it means to him. I thought you really cared for him... Chuck opened his heart to you, and now his future lies in your hands... Well, not your hands, exactly. But you could fix this. He would never have to know." And that's... The recipe to Blair. If he'd somehow been able to throw in a reference to her Serena loyalties, that would be literally everything that makes Blair, Blair.

Rufus! Has misplaced the Polaroid film he thought he had! Dan's upset because he promised S he'd get it, and if he screws up she'll kill -- not Assassinate -- him. Rufus fixes it, and then asks why Lonelyboy's in such a mood. "Is it because Serena never threw you a surprise party? Because you hate surprises." (Yes, a little, but moving on...) It's about the script. Which, we already know how that's going to go, and it's dumb, but not so dumb that we don't have time for some stupid Rufus Advice.

Dan opines as to how "in relationships, there's such a thing as too much honesty," like for example Dan made the right call in never telling S how much he hated her whorish outfits. (But you did, Dan. You did.) "Telling a woman you like her clothes is not lying. It's self-preservation!" Men are like this, you see, while women are like that! Clothes! Appearance insecurity! Rufus has got it figured out. Dan says there's "such a thing as spin" and Rufus spins up some homespun apron advice: "A half-truth is a whole lie, son. In my experience, it causes the same amount of problems down the line. Especially with the ladies!" So this is where the Humphreys get their allergy to subtlety or tact. I mean, we knew that, but "a half-truth is a whole lie"? Especially with the ladies! They don't get it!

Nate explains that S has "some toad gala at the Frick" planned, making it sound even worse this time, and then whines at length about how S has forgotten his birthday. As much as surprise parties are fun and Assassin is fun, you have to remember this is Nate we're dealing with. He thinks little people live in his TV. Jenny is like, "Your birthday disappointment is so relatable to me, due to my NEAR RAPE." Nate snaps back into Hero position, and they talk about how they are besties, and then Jenny says immortally, "Did I mention that public embarrassment is a part of the Humphrey birthday tradition?" Or everyday Humphrey life? That it is, in fact, the seed from which they were birthed?

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Gossip Girl

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