Since the Ben thing is so new, S is taking Valentine's Day off, but since Blair needs an It Girl for some W thing, she sends Serena to ask Raina if she'll do some press. Raina agrees, but since B is only working this angle because she thinks Chuck's feelings aren't real, S eventually tells her not to do the profile. Assuming Serena is sabotaging her work plans because she's lonely and unfulfilled, Blair decides to retaliate by staging a big showdown at the party: Ben told S that he was tutoring -- not waitering, the job his roomie Dan got him -- and feels all kinds of class-related shame, which eventually he gets over, because that's all Ben ever does.
The party in question: A last big gesture to get on Thorpe's good side, Chuck throws an exclusive no-invite party outside town. By proving that his name is enough to insure a full house (at $2500 a pop, no less), Chuck hopes to keep Bass Inc. in one piece. Russell agrees, but the Captain leaks Nate a report that says they're still moving forward with his piecemeal sale. Raina finally tells Chuck that Lily was the reason Thorpe and Bart broke up in the first place, so as a show of good faith Chuck has Lily removed from the Bass board. Big showdown in which Raina finds out that Chuck is, you know, Chuck, and dumps him for being mean to his mom, so his final score is: No family, no company, no Raina.
Unfortunately, B has a secret front-row seat to C's attempt to reconcile with Raina, and the authentic feelings he's having toward her. Dan's there too, and tries to comfort her, but she doesn't thaw for a few hours, and then only after S forgives her for being awful about Ben again. Blair finally admits she read, loved and passed an article of Dan's to somebody at VF and has spent the whole episode just dicking him around, so they watch Rosemary's Baby together on the phone, and it's crazy sweet.
Other things happened. The Captain gets fired from Thorpe for passing the report, which was a planted fake anyway, but before he got fired he swiped key cards and passwords for Thorpe's office as a way of demonstrating his loyalty to Chuck. Once again, Lily was right and everybody was wrong because she's such a creep that they ruined it anyway. And Damien shows up in some sort of hat to menace Eric some more, this time about blackmailing Lily for her felony perjury that Eric told him all about when they were canoodling... But um, of which Damien is also guilty, so we'll see how that all goes down. Mostly I'm just happy Serena and Blair had more than their usual one conversation.
Next week: Blair's first work meltdown, Nate goes after Raina, more Blair and Dan stuff, and presumably even more people coming after Lily like a human flood of neverending vengeance.
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Happy Valentine's Day! Serena, who is your Valentine? We thought probably Ben, but no: Of course, it is Blair. Things are too new and early and unhealthy with Ben, of course. Too bad Blair's now running the entire fashion industry and operating on several incorrect -- for now -- assumptions about her relationship with Chuck to give you the time you so desperately need from her. No matter how much swanning about in a men's shirt, pouting, flouncing, begging, and making frankly some of the most skillet-to-the-head faces you've ever made on this entire show.
Blair's like, "Okay, Betty Draper, if somehow I nail down my entire career and recon Chuck's relationship, then we can go on a date." Serena retires to her bedroom for a cocktail of pills and pink champagne while Blair grabs a quick shave and heads off to sexually harass her French-speaking aspiring actress secretary with the intense teeth.
Raina and Russell have been invited to brunch at PRADA, in the hopes that somehow a total massacre won't happen. Chuck's like, "Let's pretend to be cool but then act secretly bitchy!" Lily's all, "I was gonna do that anyway!" Russell explains to Raina that Lily is a Rhodes Woman icicle for whom the concept of family is as long-ago-and-far-away as the concept of carbs, and Raina gets all moon-eyed about Chuck. Inside, Lily gets off one good line -- "Yes, Sun Tzu is right beside Emily Post on my bookshelf" -- and warns Charles to be wary of the new love of his life. I would make some overarching metaphor about this being a chess game, but I think that might be racist.
Over Brooklyn way, Dan and Ben are sitting at their computers looking for jobs and sneaking glances at each other's big sexy bodies, and we learn that Dan -- true to form -- has once again created what he thinks is writing out of what is actually journaling. He's written a story, half-heartedly commissioned by Epperly I guess while she was firing him for being a total jackhole, about what it's like for a person who lives in Brooklyn with the sexy ex-con boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend who is also his sister. Dan is so inventive that the characters' names are Flan Frumphrey and Ken Schmonovan; Dan's career is so ludicrous that it will win the Booker Prize for Best Non-Autobiographical Work of Nonsense.
Dan gets Ben a job at that catering company he worked for all of one time before, if I remember correctly, he got fired for flushing Eleanor Waldorf's cat down an upstairs commode. Grateful, Ben tells Dan to take the article straight to Condé Nast himself and find out who the new Epperly is. I sure hope it's not somebody he crudely betrayed!