Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Blue Valentines

Happy Valentine's Day! Serena, who is your Valentine? We thought probably Ben, but no: Of course, it is Blair. Things are too new and early and unhealthy with Ben, of course. Too bad Blair's now running the entire fashion industry and operating on several incorrect -- for now -- assumptions about her relationship with Chuck to give you the time you so desperately need from her. No matter how much swanning about in a men's shirt, pouting, flouncing, begging, and making frankly some of the most skillet-to-the-head faces you've ever made on this entire show.

Blair's like, "Okay, Betty Draper, if somehow I nail down my entire career and recon Chuck's relationship, then we can go on a date." Serena retires to her bedroom for a cocktail of pills and pink champagne while Blair grabs a quick shave and heads off to sexually harass her French-speaking aspiring actress secretary with the intense teeth.

Raina and Russell have been invited to brunch at PRADA, in the hopes that somehow a total massacre won't happen. Chuck's like, "Let's pretend to be cool but then act secretly bitchy!" Lily's all, "I was gonna do that anyway!" Russell explains to Raina that Lily is a Rhodes Woman icicle for whom the concept of family is as long-ago-and-far-away as the concept of carbs, and Raina gets all moon-eyed about Chuck. Inside, Lily gets off one good line -- "Yes, Sun Tzu is right beside Emily Post on my bookshelf" -- and warns Charles to be wary of the new love of his life. I would make some overarching metaphor about this being a chess game, but I think that might be racist.

Over Brooklyn way, Dan and Ben are sitting at their computers looking for jobs and sneaking glances at each other's big sexy bodies, and we learn that Dan -- true to form -- has once again created what he thinks is writing out of what is actually journaling. He's written a story, half-heartedly commissioned by Epperly I guess while she was firing him for being a total jackhole, about what it's like for a person who lives in Brooklyn with the sexy ex-con boyfriend of his ex-girlfriend who is also his sister. Dan is so inventive that the characters' names are Flan Frumphrey and Ken Schmonovan; Dan's career is so ludicrous that it will win the Booker Prize for Best Non-Autobiographical Work of Nonsense.

Dan gets Ben a job at that catering company he worked for all of one time before, if I remember correctly, he got fired for flushing Eleanor Waldorf's cat down an upstairs commode. Grateful, Ben tells Dan to take the article straight to Condé Nast himself and find out who the new Epperly is. I sure hope it's not somebody he crudely betrayed!

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Gossip Girl

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