When Raina finds out S isn't coming to the invisible party nobody knows about, she cracks a joke of the kind that would only be funny to Raina and her Wharton pals: "If Serena van der Woodsen isn't going, maybe he was exaggerating the value of his so-called brand!" That shit would get you a spit-take at the kind of nerd parties Raina likes to rock.
S explains that she doesn't know what that joke means or if it was a joke, but that she's planning on staying home and necking with her roommate because it's just stupid to spend Valentine's Day with your boyfriend if you've only just met him. "So you're saying I'm stupid," Raina obviously notes, but does not illustrate the parallels for her new bestie. They try on dresses and Raina looks fucking amazing and then Serena's like, "You know this whole thing for W? You shouldn't do it. See, Blair is psychotic and will kill all of us if she has to watch you have this amazing date during Chuck's crowning achievement." Raina correctly assesses that this is S being a good friend to Blair, and thanks her for her honesty because Raina is all about the honesty, and S is like, "Plus, it's not like her job matters and I was not about to be lonely on Valentine's Day, so it works out for everybody, if by everybody you mean me."
Dan comes looking for the new Epperly, and assumes that Blair has had her murdered or kidnapped to the Balkans. Blair tells him to eat a bunch of dicks and she'd rather staple his stupid puff piece to his leg than pass it along to the other editors at the Condé Nast Family Of Publications, because they are not friends, because he is a gross bad man. He threatens to beat her up again, and she tells him to go be a cater waiter, and he responds that all those jobs are taken, because he gave them all to Ben. B pushes Dan out a window and then calls up Raina, who abruptly cancels in her characteristically forthright fashion.
Chuck calls up his girlfriend to ask why it is exactly that Russell hates Bart so much, and Raina explains that he would never hold a grudge, being as honest and honorable as is she herself, but that Lily might have the answer since Lily was the reason Russell and Bart broke up. Which is why Russell knows that Lily is hardcore, because she was setting up the pins to marry Bart well before Rufus entered the picture, and Russell was a casualty. That Lily, she's the kind of dame where you move to Chicago once she's done with ya.
Dan and Eric have a quick little bro-meeting over some schnitzel, as you do, and we learn that in the wake of being dumped by Elliott, and Damien, and I think Jonathan one more time in there, he is now back to being in love with Jonathan. But, having no other friends and no connection to Jonathan at this point, he's spending Valentine's Day serving Meals On Wheels, because that's how Eric rolls and without Jenny Humphrey around he needed to find a new charity.