Gossip Girl

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Blue Valentines

Blair and Serena have a chalkboard-screechingly weird conversation where Blair knows that Serena has screwed her over, but Serena doesn't even know that she did it, so she just goes back to begging over and over for Blair to come get in the bathtub with her and climb into each other's clothes like a preheated oven and become one horrible two-headed beast that will never be lonely again. Blair's like, "I wouldn't climb in your pajamas right now if you had macarons in there, bitch," and gives her a little hug and a death threat about how by the time this night is over it'll be too late for Valentine's Day. Permanently.

Rufus looks up from where he's scrubbing the floor tiles in a pink frilly apron and makes disgusted but sympathetic sounds as Lily explains that Valentine's Day is cancelled and that she's just gotten kicked off the board by Chuck himself for her many violations of ethics and the laws of God and man. Rufus tries to comprehend all of this and in the end Lily's just like, "Remember the last six episodes? Trust me, Chuck's getting played. I approach this family like a black ops war criminal but at least I know what I'm doing."

Still with the bugging angry eyes of Carrie, papers catching fire with the heat of her wrath, Blair telekinetically kicks her office door closed and calls up Dan's catering company to ask that Ben be assigned to the invisible Chuck party, so that Serena will see him being a cater waiter and know that he lied to her about being elected the Vice President of the United States.

The party is going amazing, by the time Russell gets there: $2500 a person, filled to capacity, and all too indicative of the power of Chuck Bass. Chuck tries quietly to throw all this success at Raina's feet, saying she inspires him just like that French whore used to do, but she assures him that she does not go in for that kind of namby-pamby talk.

Dan runs up to Blair and asks if she read the article, and even though she did and already passed it on, she says she doesn't have to: "I know what it's about, a boy from Brooklyn and an untouchable Upper East Side blonde." Nicely played, Waldorf. She hands him this line about how she is now an arbiter of taste (thanks to him!) and that championing "some lame Humphrey lamentation" would be akin to "showing up at an accessories shoot in Crocs." He starts down a typical Dan path about how people can change and mature and grow into the kind of people who does what he tells them to, and she wanders off to pit S against the lies of her lover.

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Gossip Girl

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