So good! Damn!
Blair ends up accidentally pretending to go to Columbia, and those girls from the Waldorf show that are all about her prod her into telling Gossip Girl about how Jenny was a drug-dealer. This causes Nate to get up her ass about going back to her old ways -- like Chuck is doing -- and the girls figure out that she's just pretending, so they are bitches to her. Then this guy randomly reveals that she actually is a Columbia student... Thanks to Chuck secretly applying for her way back last year.
Rufus and Will fight over Lily, while Jenny and Serena fight over the fact that Jenny is the worst. Eric tells Will to go suck it after giving him the breakdown -- gay, suicide attempt -- but Will goes out of his way to call Elliott and take Eric out on the town, so now Eric feels accepted or whatever. I'm trying to tell this in a not-confusing fashion, but it was a confusing episode, in the best possible way. One of those ones where you think, "Man, this episode's so good and so much shit is happening that it must be nearly over" and it turns out it's like only half-over.
Meanwhile, everybody's concerned about Chuck avoiding Lily due to her Illness, so Blair visits him and basically talks him into seeing her. There are some very Charlie-Chuck-Charles things that happen emotionally, and perhaps you cried. In the midst, Chuck and Jenny -- who has recently been raiding Lily's cabinets, whilst drug-dealing -- figure out that something is hinky with the medicine Will's been giving her for Illness. Of course, it doesn't matter since Lily tosses Rufus out of the house for the night for acting like a jerk, and Rufus finds out about Jenny's dealing and needs to exert some power, so that means all the Humphreys end up in DUMBO once again. Where they fucking belong.
Dan and Vanessa stupidly agree not to talk about things like their work or their passion or their lives in any way, so of course Vanessa decides not to tell Dan that she got a three-month internship with CNN, in Haiti. After a bunch of back and forth, he gives her permission to take advantage of it, and she gratefully accepts. They cry and exchange stationary and whatever, they are a mess but they're doing okay.
Downstairs Hot Neighbor Lady Holland tells Serena, I think, that she has been fucking Rufus on the sly, and Will gives a very inappropriate speech at this gala about his feelings for Lily, but Serena tells Will to fight for Lily, since even if he were a serial killer he would still be cooler than Rufus, so it ends up with the four van der Woodsens enjoying their first round of hot chocolate near the fireplace.
Blair is set to become the Queen of Columbia, Cameron and Elliott should be returning shortly, the van der Woodsens finally have their creepy dad back, Vanessa Abrams is going to Haiti and Rufus is about to fucking kill himself. The best episode of this show ever? Just maybe. XOXO.
My my, Gossip Girl is feeling philosophical today. "It's said that we're all strapped to Fortune's wheel... Nowhere is this truer than the ever-changing landscape of love!" Tell us more about that, GG. "The one thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning," she says. And as ridiculous as it all is, I have to say that GG, along with everything else, is in fine and classic fettle this week. No attempts to torture her bon mots into thematic unity, nothing more than clever(-ish) twists on the old blog-style updates that used to be enough for us all.
So for like the ninth week in a row, guess what Nate and a blonde girl are doing? That's right, prowling around Chuck's kitchen drinking coffee and dry-humping. What's novel here is that Serena's dressed in her own clothing, and not Nate's. "Salvation" by Scanners plays over this opening montage, and throughout the episode, in a very tone-setting way that's by turns romantic and ominous. It's a marvel. Nate and Serena share coffee cups and think about getting their eff on, because that's what happens in the AM. Also the PM. Really, any time, because pretty much all the writers can think of for Serena and Nate to do is A) Locate the kitchen and B) Bang in the kitchen. Challenge and reward.
Over in DUMBO, Vanessa and Dan are being very stressy and weird with each other, due to Vanessa maneuvering Dan right into being left in the cold outside the Tisch program, which is something he has always wanted for like five whole minutes. The only reason I'm giving him the moral upper hand here is that the entire situation was created wholly from Vanessa's chronic wannabeing. Dan is behaving in a huffy and excruciating manner? You're fucking kidding me. But this whole thing where Vanessa knew what he wanted and secretly went for it? That's just basic Vanessa behavior and therefore is much worse than anything anybody else could do. She leaves the Tisch class schedule out on the table right in front of them and he pissily hands it to her, and they deserve their lives.
Nate and Serena whicker and whinny and eventually Nate suggests that instead of living in Chuck's apartment, maybe Serena should go home to her mom, who is dying of Illness and has been forgiven for What Happened In Santorini, which is why her nineteen-year-old daughter stormed out of there in the first place. She thinks about it, but then realizes that living at PRADA would mean having to look at Jenny's face, and that would be a total thumbs down. Nate takes a second, you can see it in his eyes, to remember why we're mad at Jenny right now, and then he's like, "Harsh."