Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Cutlery Chasing Me

My my, Gossip Girl is feeling philosophical today. "It's said that we're all strapped to Fortune's wheel... Nowhere is this truer than the ever-changing landscape of love!" Tell us more about that, GG. "The one thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning," she says. And as ridiculous as it all is, I have to say that GG, along with everything else, is in fine and classic fettle this week. No attempts to torture her bon mots into thematic unity, nothing more than clever(-ish) twists on the old blog-style updates that used to be enough for us all.

So for like the ninth week in a row, guess what Nate and a blonde girl are doing? That's right, prowling around Chuck's kitchen drinking coffee and dry-humping. What's novel here is that Serena's dressed in her own clothing, and not Nate's. "Salvation" by Scanners plays over this opening montage, and throughout the episode, in a very tone-setting way that's by turns romantic and ominous. It's a marvel. Nate and Serena share coffee cups and think about getting their eff on, because that's what happens in the AM. Also the PM. Really, any time, because pretty much all the writers can think of for Serena and Nate to do is A) Locate the kitchen and B) Bang in the kitchen. Challenge and reward.

Over in DUMBO, Vanessa and Dan are being very stressy and weird with each other, due to Vanessa maneuvering Dan right into being left in the cold outside the Tisch program, which is something he has always wanted for like five whole minutes. The only reason I'm giving him the moral upper hand here is that the entire situation was created wholly from Vanessa's chronic wannabeing. Dan is behaving in a huffy and excruciating manner? You're fucking kidding me. But this whole thing where Vanessa knew what he wanted and secretly went for it? That's just basic Vanessa behavior and therefore is much worse than anything anybody else could do. She leaves the Tisch class schedule out on the table right in front of them and he pissily hands it to her, and they deserve their lives.

Nate and Serena whicker and whinny and eventually Nate suggests that instead of living in Chuck's apartment, maybe Serena should go home to her mom, who is dying of Illness and has been forgiven for What Happened In Santorini, which is why her nineteen-year-old daughter stormed out of there in the first place. She thinks about it, but then realizes that living at PRADA would mean having to look at Jenny's face, and that would be a total thumbs down. Nate takes a second, you can see it in his eyes, to remember why we're mad at Jenny right now, and then he's like, "Harsh."

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Gossip Girl

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