Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Cutlery Chasing Me

Those Columbia girls show up at the alumni event, and laugh at B to being a fake student, and meanwhile everybody else is running around staring at everybody else, and then Nate and S spot Chuck standing there, with an extreme version of his patented Good Boy Hair, and everybody tries to figure out who made him do it. Blair goes, "It's not like he even listens to me! And he probably just ran out of girls to have sex with." Amazing. So they watch him walk over to Lily, and it's really sweet and they're both awesome. He apologizes for not being around, and she says she understands, and he tells her she looks great, and she says he's in for a lot of waffle brunches to come. And when he hugs her, with that Charlie smile, possibly you got a little misty.

Jenny shows up at DUMBO, having bailed on the Columbia gala -- thanks for the update, Jenny, since you had zero reason to be there and weren't really invited at all -- and immediately burns a huge bowl of popcorn, and Dan asks if she really is a drug dealer. And Jenny, who remains awesome for the moment, is like, "Oh, I totally was. But I stopped." Dan retardedly suggests that Jenny get ahead of the story and tell Rufus herself, because clearly he's going to figure it out eventually, even though nobody managed to figure it out at the time, and Jenny went so far as throwing the drugs on the floor at PRADA and telling her father she was a drug dealer, which got her off the hook for everything somehow, so I'm not sure what Dan's talking about. If you're not dealing drugs anymore, shake it off.

"If you want him to have faith in you, Jenny, maybe you need to have a little faith in him." Um, no. That's so stupid. These people are so fucking stupid. "Dad, I want to do you the favor of telling you something that's no longer relevant, as a show of 'faith' in the idea that you would ever, under any circumstances, act rational or attempt to parent in any way. Absent any evidence to the contrary. Do please try to keep your shows of gratitude for this compliment from becoming too showy." Jenny tells Dan to have similar faith in Vanessa, for similarly murky and undefined reasons, and then goes to her closet to find something stupid to wear to the gala so she can ruin it by making a big dramatic deal out of telling her father that she is not a drug dealer. An errand which simply cannot wait!

Serena sits Will down to explain to him that she is a giant ho. "The contest that I won at boarding school? It was for drinking absinthe." AND I ALMOST GOT A PLAQUE. I still can't believe that absurd story about Serena's award-winning hot-chocolate-drinking prowess. That's just the stupidest thing. Will's like, "Remember how you tramped around Europe for three months this summer with your vag out and people doing body shots off your tits in Ibiza? I get it." He leads her directly to the next part of the conversation, smooth as usual, bringing up how he doesn't want to step on any toes, which means Rufus, and she falls for it: "You know, I love Rufus. But you're my dad. He's not."

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Gossip Girl




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