Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Cutlery Chasing Me

Dan takes one more opportunity to interject his own feelings and personal bullshit into Vanessa's relationship with CNN, and he tells her to take the internship after all. This motherfucking pair right here, I'm telling you. Literally they have just been flicking a switch back and forth the entire episode. Go to Haiti, don't go to Haiti. "I don't want us to be making decisions based on fear. All right?" NO. NOT ALL RIGHT. "We" are not making this decision, based on fear or anything else. You are making the decision, and being as scummy as possible to make it appear otherwise. Anyway, Vanessa thanks him for giving her permission to have anything nice for her own, and he produces some stationary, so they can be gay transatlantically.

"That is so romantic! Maybe if we become famous writers one day, they'll publish 'em after we die. Like Sartre and De Beauvoir." 1. Um, that's EXACTLY who you are. A girl who thought she knew who she was and didn't let anybody give her shit, until she fell in love with a narcissist philosopher and spent the rest of her life following him around and massaging his feet. 2. Are you kidding me with this shit? Is anyone on the planet so lacking in self-awareness that they would say something like that? "They'll publish our letters after we die." How do you keep your hand from balling into a fist and punching your face of its own accord?

Dan sends Vanessa off to... Christ, I don't even know which end was up this last time, but I know she ends up going, in the end... And Holland, a grown woman, walks right up to Serena, a young lady, and tells her some seriously personal gossip about herself and Rufus. And then GG, who is one classy slut, goes, "Listen carefully, S! Holland has a tale to tell. Apparently, her upstairs neighbor has been cumming downstairs..."

I don't know if that's even true or what Holland's game is, but I cannot believe Gossip Girl and how urpy and gross that was. It wasn't even a pun, it was just like when a drunk guy takes out his penis and waggles it at you to punctuate whatever dreary, aggressive point he's making. Anyway, S runs straight for Will and tells him she's backing him against Rufus in the coming war and that he should fight for Lily, if what he wants is her.

A few meters down the sidewalk, Blair coughs in the faces of those bitches from Columbia and explains that she's actually a student after all, and they immediately offer to let her come live with them in their apartment, and she goes, "No. I don't live with the help. Oh, and you wanted to see a Blair Waldorf takedown? Well, cross me again, and you'll experience one firsthand." Which I guess means growth, because at least it's fair warning. And these girls, while still not as interesting as Nelly Yuki Penelope Hazel et aliae, are more interesting than the NYU ones by a mile already. So we'll see how it goes down.

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Gossip Girl

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