Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Cutlery Chasing Me

"The last time I was invited to a ceremony in my honor, I had to slaughter a chicken," Will says. I would like to see him and Vanessa Abrams go head-to-head. I bet he could take down her entire family. Then a really awkwardly written scene happens, and even though this episode is great, this scene is embarrassing, because here's how it goes. "I've never been honored. I did win a contest once at boarding school, and I think there was a plaque, but I'm not sure that really counts." Serena, what are you talking about? Why would you get a plaque for winning this contest? And why would you offer any of this information? Especially when it sounds utterly retarded the more you explain it? Vide "It was for drinking hot chocolate at the Winter Fair." They gave you a PLAQUE for drinking the most HOT CHOCOLATE at the WINTER FAIR.

No. They didn't. Will laughs about how druggies go to Exeter, and Serena lies and says she was at her school "more for the academics." When in point of fact you were there "more for the having killed a man and fucked your best friend's boyfriend and needing to get the fuck," it seems like a good compromise to say that. "It sounds like you've made some great choices, Serena. I'm glad. The bad ones have a way of... Following you," Will says ominously. Which is also stupid because we all know that Will knows what an awesomely drunken whore his daughter is. She spent all summer making sure he knew that. So whatever. Jenny makes a mean dumb face and goes, "You know, I've never heard that hot chocolate story!" S spits that there are lots of stories Jenny's never heard, including the one where Serena killed a man and she might be next, so Jenny brings up Damien's tale of S fucking a teacher one night at a B&B. S sends a few warning shots across Jenny's bow, but you know Jenny has no innate sense of danger.

Serena stands up, sparkling brightly, and tells everybody her great new announcement that she just made up in order to express dominance over Little J -- who is really just being a bitch, and for no good reason other than her ridiculous schemes to break up N and S didn't work -- which is that she is moving back into her old room. "Don't worry, Jenny. We'll... Find a place for you." Nice. Way to imply everything at once. Just brilliant. Instead of letting me bask in the total Serenatude of that, Will announces that he's moving in downstairs too, and they'll just be a big old happy family. Rufus acts pathetic some more, but of course he doesn't say anything. GG thinks this whole plan might work, but I have my doubts. It's not Will getting a condo that's going to hook him and Lily up, it's the fact that Rufus Humphrey is the fucking worst thing.

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Gossip Girl




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