Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Cutlery Chasing Me

Rufus promises to save Dan a waffle, and Rufus tries to keep a stiff upper lip when asked about Will. "The fact is, he's just her doctor now. I'm her husband!" And if that were true, you wouldn't be nonstop acting like a total bowel obstruction, and then all of a sudden Rufus responds to Dan's mention of the Tisch Silence by spilling the beans about everything Vanessa-related. It's sort of amazing. Dan's like, "We're not telling each other things," and Rufus is like, "Things like how she's getting an internship with CNN that will mean spending three months in Haiti? You're not telling each other things like that?" Of course, this causes Dan to forget the rule too, so now he's going to go create a huge fucking mess and make Vanessa act disgusting some more so he can forgive her and instruct her on how to live her life and she can thank him with a blowjob, just like every week.

Will stalks Eric to the elevator and Eric is not having it at all. Eric's like, "Number one, I'm gay." Will goes, "That's... Cool!" and joins like a special PFLAG group for people with seriously husky voices. Will wants to meet Elliot, blah blah fantasy parents are like this, and Eric tells him that he doesn't even need Will to make it up to him, because going through his near-suicide experience without a father proved that he didn't need one. You can almost see his little face being like, "Are those the highlights? Yeah, that pretty much covers it." I expect Will to do what I would do in that situation, which is start hitting the elevator button like a bajillion times to make the elevator come faster, but instead Will just mopes and asks Eric about six different ways to stop hating him, and Eric explains that it's not an issue of hate or even dislike: "Serena may want a relationship with you, but I don't." I don't see that getting respected.

Serena's helpfully packing Jenny's luggage for her when Rufus walks into the scream party that is Jenny watching this happen, and the whole time Serena's like instructing Jenny on when it is polite to borrow other people's clothing, and Rufus is understandably sort of appalled that Serena is being so proactive about this, and tells her to stay in Chuck's old room. "No way. That room is haunted by Chuck's depravity." With which, she adds, Jenny should be fine anyway, because she is depraved and crazy and out of control and a lunatic Nate-kisser. Serena dares Jenny to tell Rufus even like Thing One about what's really going on, and Jenny backs down, and everything is all right with the universe, but then Rufus decides to fuck everything up by continuing to insist that Serena go live in Chuck's room. "I'm confident that there's no depravity that brand-new E. Braun sheets can't erase!" he says, like a true heterosexual, and Serena just rolls her eyes and says more true things. "How many problems does Jenny have to cause before you realize she's the problem?"

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Gossip Girl

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