Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Cutlery Chasing Me

Blair yells at them, and they randomly about-face and it's totally dumb: "You're Blair Waldorf! Fashion icon, Queen B, and probably the future President of the United States. Or Chanel." Nice line, but these bitches are straight up unrealistic. I'm so sure they would bully her into her old ways by literally saying to her face, "We are going to bully you back into your old ways!" So what's B going to do to Little J? Blair doesn't have any dirt on her -- since she hasn't been in the game for an entire semester, because she outgrew it -- and one of the girls mentions that Jenny sold her boyfriend drugs, so B's sort of impressed and starts texting GG immediately about how Jenny is a drug dealer now. The episode, the music, Archibald in a while, even GG's tone of voice implies that this is some major compromise of her newfound strength and maturity or something, but it's like, maybe the show's just justifiably terrified because it forgot what it's like when Blair actually does anything. There is nothing wrong whatsoever about telling GG that Jenny Humphrey is or ever was a drug dealer, because the fact that Jenny Humphrey was a drug dealer is hilarious.

Next morning S is snarky with Jenny, who immediately screams at her about telling GG she was a drug dealer, and that if it wasn't her it was Blair, which is basically the same thing, and Serena's like, "Okay, but I'm not Blair, and also you were a drug dealer." Like how could any Humphrey possibly use their waffle power for hypocrisy is just mindblowing for old Serena. "My dad and I were finally in a good place after a really, really bad patch. And if he finds this out, it'll destroy everything!" S points out that Jenny went right for her relationship with Will last night over that utterly retarded hot chocolate story that didn't even make sense, and Jenny -- it's always weird when she stops being crazy and starts getting real -- explains to Serena that building a false relationship with her father based on an idealized pretend version of your life is worse than dealing drugs. Which is so not true because a relationship with your parents comprises feeding them lies about your idealized pretend life, duh, but then she nails it: "I can't believe that you are willing to destroy my relationship with my father because you're too scared that yours won't love you for who you really are."

Well done. Meanwhile, V explains to Dan that "consulting with someone else doesn't come easily" to her, which is a total fucking lie, and she apologizes for not asking Dan's permission to go to Haiti, and he finally grants it, but she says she doesn't want to go because he's sufficiently hounded her about how if she leaves for even five minutes they will break up and their lives will end and they will die alone, and she goes, "We both know it's better for our relationship if I stay," and he goes -- this motherfucker over here -- he goes, "Are you sure? You're making this decision for you? Not me? Not even us?" Okay, you dumb cunt, you better tell me what that even means. What can you possibly even mean by saying that to me? "No, I'm making this decision for the people of Haiti, who frankly have suffered enough."

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Gossip Girl




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