Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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The Cutlery Chasing Me

Dan tells her they'll celebrate her complete subjugation to him by sneaking forties into the midnight showing of The Lost Weekend at Film Forum, which is just so classically them, and Vanessa's like, "First I have to have drinks with CNN and turn her down in person," and Dan's like, "But if you do that we might have to break up! I want to cut a hole in your abdomen and climb inside you so we never have to be apart! You'll be a bloodied kangaroo and I will be your little joey. Your little love-joey."

Nate finds Blair wandering the Upper West Side, pretending that she is a Columbia student, and sadly he doesn't find this as amusing as he usually would, because he's all steamed at her. Why? I guess because of the Jenny factor, although he couches it in that hyper-literal way of this episode: "You are going back to your old habits! Like emailing and texting!" Blair points out that Jenny is a drug dealer and thus deserves what she gets, and Nate says it doesn't matter why she's conniving, the problem is that she's back to conniving. Which, Nate is the Exposition Fairy all the time, that's fine, but also: Not only was Blair totally boring when this was going on, but she stopped doing it for Elizabeth's sake, which proved to be a massive mistake, so why wouldn't she go back. But most of all, also: It never really happened. Yes, she stayed off GG and away from complicated plots specifically employing surveillance technology, but she also tried to kill her mother's unborn baby throughout Thanksgiving dinner. You know what I mean?

"The Waldorf equivalent of Chuck going around sleeping with every call girl in the city and avoiding any kind of emotional contact," Nate says, losing it right there at the end to some shitty writing indeed, and Blair explains that she is feeling trapped and crazy at NYU, and thus is self-medicating with her Columbia pretense and slight takedowns of people like Jenny Humphrey who frankly deserve worse. But then the worst writing yet: "You can always make it right with whoever you take down online. And who knows if Chuck's even gonna have time to do that with Lily or not?" That was some Gossip Girl herself-style bullshit. First of all, that's not a response to what Blair even said, and second of all, that is a segue without the segue. I mean, I appreciate that the words themselves actually mean what they're being used for because that's been gone for a long time, but that sentence made no sense either intrinsically or in context.

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Gossip Girl

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