Instead of talking to us, GG decides to open the episode with a checklist of crap to buy in order to survive winter in New York, and places in New York to take the crap you just bought, and the last item is a date and the last place is where you take the date, which is the senior Snowflake Charity Ball. Blair and Serena are surviving the cold in the Constance Courtyard while Blair goes through her notebook, which Dorota has printed out to read DATE OPTIONS, and list the stats of a bunch of different boys. Serena is bored by this prospect, but B issues this decree about how this is the biggest dance of the entire... Okay, you know how much I love balls, but isn't this sort of ridiculous? I mean, they can't all be the society page-dominating, crème de la crème events that B always makes them out to be? I mean, that's so Blair, right, so that's probably exactly what's going on here.
"Blair, it's addressed to Current Resident." "THAT is ME! They are offering ME 20% savings on ONE ITEM. What will it be? What shall I choose? And as you well know, Yale makes important admissions decisions based on things like shower caddies and wine rabbits. Bed Bath & Beyond is the kingmaker of affordable home furnishings! THIS IS THE SINGLEMOST IMPORTANT EVENT IN OUR YOUNG LIVES."
Serena's feeling giggly looking at all the options, who've already invited her -- "You think Angelina Jolie even considers a project without an offer on the table? I'm a strictly pay-or-play dater" -- and Chuck walks up to needle and irritate and pigtail-pull. Blair defiantly/openly affectionately tells him she's looking for something long term, and names a name. "Are you kidding. Have you ever seen him without gum? The oral fixation alone drive you insane." Blair reluctantly crosses him off and says another name, sort of loud-crazily. "Outscored your verbal on the SATs," Chuck protests, and Blair suggests that intelligent men are good for whispering mellifluous nothings in your ear. Any guy who tries that with me is getting the shoe-face. That's where I put my shoe in your face. "You only think you'll like an intelligent man. The moment he gave you a history of the word mellifluous, you'd rip out his sweetly flowing tongue." See what he did there? He's saying, "I'm smart too!" Serena spots Daniel talking to a boy on the other side of the courtyard and leaves Blair to be bothered, disgusted and mutually adored by Chuck.
And why? Because Serena's playing a little game of her own, and it's remarkably similar to Blair's little game, and it goes like this. "Hey Dan, check out this thing! Your favorite book, favorite translation, first edition. You may remember it from the time you and Amanda Lasher made fun of me and called me retarded, which caused me to become evil for a couple weeks? Magic evil powers, the whole thing? No. Well it's called Letters To A Young Poet, does that ring a bell? Isn't that the greatest present ever? Because it's NOT FOR YOU. It's for my BOYFRIEND, who is exactly like you but better in every way, hides his emotional manipulation like you but better, has no room to stand as far as judging me for my vigorous sexual appetites, is totally in college, and deserves AWESOME GIFTS like this one -- which is not, I stress, for you. Although I did buy it at the rare bookstore you told me about this week, so really in a way, it's like we're giving Aaron this present -- which you would really love -- together. Which is creepy in every possible way simultaneously! Aren't you bummed you dumped me?"