Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Clone High

Blair paces, screaming at Dorota about how their asses are on the line now and Dorota's considerable PI skills are just not up to par. "Kristin Curran is the loosest girl in our class! Don't you know that Chuck doesn't like his fruit pre-picked?" Dorota protests that Kristin Curran has long hair, which symbolizes something in Poland, but Blair keeps on shrieking. "And Elizabeth Phillips? Is somewhere between Mormon and moron! How did you come up with these?" Dorota explains that she's joined some Facebook groups, hilariously, and B's like, Look. "This has to be Chuck's dream girl. Intelligent but not a bookworm, strong-willed but still feminine. An equal. And he likes brunettes, with deep brown eyes." Dorota looks at her all, "listen, crazy," but explains that B's describing herself, obviously, and B shouts and offers much in the way of threats. "Please! I don't want to shine Mr. Chuck's shoes for month..." B offers a scary aside that, yes, "shoes" if she's lucky, and Dorota tap-tap-taps away, utterly terrified.

Dan calls Serena to tell her that first, when you rent a tux in Brooklyn they throw in the shoes, and also to ask if she's still "okay" with this horrible plan. I love how this whole episode is the boys putting S in this untenable situation and then asking her a billion times if it's okay, knowing that she won't back down. How maddening! She tells him they've outgrown drama -- HA! -- and then the conversation sort of trails off. She hangs up and Aaron comes in wearing a tux without a tie, which looks ridiculous and is thus perfect for him, and they have that same conversation for I think the fifth time, and finally to shut him up she promises to bone him afterward. Aaron refuses to see the obvious correlation between Lexi's slutty ways and Serena's sudden interest in doing him, and they make out for awhile.

Jenny, anxious to get away from Vanessa before Vanessa figures out that there's something devilish going on, and Vanessa's trying to come clean about the Nate relationship, and apologizes for always being jealous of Dan and Jenny's great life, but Jenny isn't even hearing it. She launches into a preamble to explaining her felony, but Jenny cuts her off and leaves when Nate calls, so she just tells Nate she wants to confess a horrible thing instead.

Lily, wearing yet another beautiful toga dress, calls Bart's secretary -- a Mrs. Landingham, for you fans of foreshadowing out there -- to invite him back into her life, but changes her mind when she learns that he's meeting with the PI, whom Bart sort of fudged having fired. Which is such an ironic parallel to the constant Purloined Letter/escape from Mantua highjinks, because he honestly is firing the PI as we speak, but she doesn't know that.

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Gossip Girl

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