Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Lily stands around all weird, waiting for Bart to come and to be strong enough to end it, and gets a call from a RESTRICTED number. The person on the line tells her something bad. Something really bad, that almost happened in last year's finale, Casablanca lilies included, but waited until now. If Bart dies, then Lily becomes the newest money of all, with three children and a Palace of her own. And Chuck gets a mommy, finally, and they become a family again. If Bart dies, that's what should happen. I don't think it will.

Dan tries desperately to avoid going home alone with Lexi, because honestly he's nervous and she's being frankly territorial, and begging her to go out to eat first with Aaron and Serena before she commences sexing him up, and just then Aaron and Serena walk up and she asks to speak to Dan. Dan, who as recently as the beginning of the dance said maybe the worst thing anybody could possibly say to her. Aaron and Lexi skedaddle, and Serena apologizes to him for storming off. This girl, for all that she's eleven feet tall, still manages to be 90% boobs and the remaining % hair. I don't know how she does it. They awkwardly "clear" the "air" about their various ill-intentioned sexual plans, Dan apologizes for once for prying, good on him, and just as they're closing down the conversation because there's nothing left to say, Dan pulls some awesome out of his hat.

"It was meaningful with you," he blurts, and she turns around quickly. "It was the greatest night of my life." She smiles and agrees: her too. And then Dan ruins everything, all, "Why does it feel like we're cutting some mythological tie?" It doesn't. That's just what TV people say when the show expects you to care. But if this show expects us to care about Dan and Serena, they need a little more "tie" in their "mythological tie," not to mention a shitload more "mythological." On the other hand, both Dan and Serena tend to mythologize everything in their lives from shoes to snacks to the Inspector Number of the person who inspected their undies, so of course they feel like this. Serena agrees, and before they can continue talking about how dramatic every fucking thing is, real drama turns up in the form of shaking, weeping Lily Bass, looking everywhere for her son Charles, to tell him there's been an accident.

Does Gossip Girl actually look like New York? Not so much. See what we think.

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Gossip Girl

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