Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Clone High

Randomly Jenny starts talking about Nate, and V gets all wet-eyed and guilty and felonious. But then, her touted integrity, like her artistic talent, is something we've always just kind of had to take on faith anyway, since she never actively does anything besides run at every social or interpersonal boundary she can locate with the fierce hurry of a bull on the streets of Pamplona, and the best thing about being up in other people's business is that nobody calls you on your own business, because you have no business, because you're minding everybody's business instead. So on Jenny's list of priorities, it's 1) Nate and 2) Everything else. And on Vanessa's list of priorities are 1) I am the good guy and then 2) That is a total lie. Nate calls and she lies and says she has to meet Rufus. I would just be like, "Whoever is calling me right now is automatically less depressing than standing her watching you go slowly yellow wallpaper basically over the single fact that girls can be bitches in high school, and so can guys."

Penelope enters as Vanessa is skulking back into the darkness of her mail-tampering ways and goes "Oh hello, Weird Documentary Girl." Vanessa gets a pretty good lick in ("Goodbye, Sad Blair Wannabe") before finally scuttling away to whore it up on a Manhattan street corner somewhere in full view of the teenage paparazzi, and Jenny asks WTF she's doing there in Brooklyn. Penelope produces one of the Guerilla Fashion Polaroids and commissions a dress, and Jenny explains that the Snowflake Ball is tomorrow, and also she hates Penelope. Penny's like, "Granted. But this is about fashion, not friendship, J. Hazel and Iz keep biting my style, and I need something custom."

Yeah, because matching headbands and car coats are soooo individually Penelope that you can understand why she doesn't want to dilute the brand. Oh quick, tell me before the suspense turns deadly: will you be wearing an updo with a double-strand necklace around it like Cassiopeia, just like every single party you go to? I'm thinking yes. And I'm thinking that Iz will, in fact, be biting those moves. And if I could be permitted to go even more psychic on your ass, I'm guessing Hazel and Iz will be wearing floofy princess dresses like Penelope always does, and she's going to be wearing that same toga dress all the van der Woodsen ladies constantly wear, and furthermore I say that the Snowflake Ball is going to be held at the Apartment, just like Kiss on the Lips, and nobody will notice. Yes, I have seen the episode. You make a valid point about my psychic powers.

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Gossip Girl

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