Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Exie Lexie on Aaron's newest collection of Serena Stalkeriana: "Aw, they're adorable! You know, I feel inspired to... Shop at the Gap. Or um, validate my self-image with overpriced cosmetics. Wait a minute, you sure this one didn't just come with the frame?" Aaron massages his headache and tries to explain how art sometimes involves the female form, and Lexi snorts, "Exactly! Yeah way to swing at a 2000 year old pitch. And with Blondie the Bombshell, no less..." Of course Serena and Dan arrive just in time to hear the least objectionable thing she's said so far, and Serena's like, "It is a fucking pleasure."

Nate and V are making out on the street, which is their entire relationship, and Nate asks her to Snowflake Ball and figures out that she hasn't told Little J they're dating. Not that Jenny Humphrey would be attending the senior dance of the school she doesn't go to, but whatever. Nate shows a capacity for oblivion that I really thought he'd evolved past at some point: "I know you guys are close, and I'm the last person who'd want to come between friends..." he says, and I don't recall the rest of this scene pretty much because WHAT. That is your WHOLE THING. All you are is complicated friendship-destroying threesomes. In the last month alone and without even trying you have homewreckingly played brother against sister, your old best friend against your ex-girlfriend, your old boyfriend against your new boyfriend, and in the last year you also got between a mother and son, and a year before that you drove a girl to KILL SOMEONE without the benefit of PANTS.

Anyway, some Gossip Girl spy snaps a shot of them kissing just as Vanessa is like, "I hope nobody takes our picture," and then over to Penelope bugging Jenny about Nate. And of course the truth is that Jenny/Nate is still a nonstarter for the fact that nothing ever happened because he was too busy pissing off Vanessa and Dan and being homeless and hissing and spitting at Chuck and punching his father a billion times and almost getting kidnapped to do more than drop his fifteen-year-old admirer a short note. Turns out the Archibald name is "on the social rebound" suddenly, and Penny's all about Nate again. I love how she will just always be into him, and nobody ever notices that because she doesn't actually matter. Well, her cheekbones matter.

Penelope tells her not to cry about it: "I mean, you had to know it was doomed from the start. He's Upper East Side and you're, well... Here..." Just as Jenny's about to... I have no idea, because I don't understand Jenny at all right now, there's a GG blast to both their phones. "Spotted: N swapping spit with a girl from an outer borough. Ew. Ew. Ew." Heh. Jenny and Penelope go separately and jointly crazy, and GG's loving it: "Sorry, ladies! For those of you who are hoping to find Nate Archibald under your tree, looks like he's already picked up his mistletoe-mate!"

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Gossip Girl

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