Lily bitches at Bart, bitches at Bart, and Bart begs for forgiveness, begs for forgiveness, promises to change everything and fire his PI and burn the files and stop being interested in their lives or being controlling, whatever whatever. And can I just say that although I am on Bart's side here, I do think it's a tad bit ridiculous that he was so superfocused on Serena's underwear and Eric's second-base boyfriend when his own son rapes like six people every day, and he knows it, so either it's about PR or it's about control but at this point they've crossed that line back and forth so many times I couldn't tell you. Anyway, Lily's like, "Maybe you should go die, or maybe you should come to the Ball and continue to grovel. I don't know yet."
Aaron apologizes for Lexi because he knows she's a bit "much," and Serena's like, "My BFF is Blair Waldorf, the inventor of 'much.' The problem isn't that Lexi's a bit 'much,' the problem is that she is 'much' of an asshole. Very much." Aaron says she's just being protective, and Serena's like, "Is the bitch staying here past New Year's or what?" I was going to reproduce that whole conversation, but on paper it comes off really bitchy on Serena's part, because you don't have the sense memory of just how violated you feel on every level with Lexi around, and in fact Serena's complaints -- valid, in the way that blood dripping down the walls in your new split-level is a cause for concern -- are delivered sweetly and with all that van der Woodsen charm. And once again, there's a hilarity to be found in the fact that seriously everywhere you look there are pictures of Serena, which is awesome. Okay, so anyway "Sexual Riot" by the Metros, which is a sort of creepy song about two chavs who get an abortion in the middle of being totally trashy and stupid, Lexi decides to just go ahead and redefine asshole for herself once again. Excelsior!
"You have any Kopi Luwak back there?"
'Nuff said. I mean seriously, this is not even a conversation, it's just a postcard from the writing staff to you that goes, "Hey there, Upper East Siders, just to let you know: as much as you hate Dan and Vanessa, nothing on this show has prepared you for the bullshit that is Lexi. Here are fifteen signifiers of her horribleness, which is so extradimensionally intense that we can't even communicate it in words or concepts your puny human minds could conceptualize. She's like the Chthulu of ... bitches. So instead here are some words that will help you visualize the impossible vileness of her. Kopi Luwak. Which she drank in Indonesia." (Google it. I feel like I bring it up in every single recap anyway, so I'm not interested in talking or thinking about it. Suffice to say it's very expensive and very retarded.) Dan's like, "I am trying desperately to suck as bad as you, and I have so much practice at this that what's shocking is how you have outplayed me so greatly." She giggles at him for even trying to compete, and he is flattered. Because she is cute, don't get me wrong, and it's not like Dan has any kind of asshole immunity or else he would be living in a plastic bubble to isolate himself from himself.