Blair's getting off when Serena comes busting in, all hooves and hair, to discuss Colin. You know, the guy she wants to talk about every single day and Blair always tells her to shut up about? Stealer of taxicabs and hearts and schoolgirls' virtue? Unwitting underwriter of Operation Smile? That guy. Colin Forrester. Now, you would be not outwith the boundaries of good sense to assume that Blair is masturbating, because how great is that we have this cute girl on TV who is constantly masturbating, but in fact no: That's wee willie winkie under the sheets. Whilst his sister sits atop a duvet, blathering on. There's a moment where Blair actually has either a full-on orgasm or a pre-show and it's so, so creepy and so, so awesome and Serena is so, so not getting it.
Why? What has our little Swan Queen in such a bindle today? Could it be pretending to care about school has finally caught up with her? Is it the ongoing mystery of the taxicab and the being of places? What is the Fortune 500 four one one? I'll tell you: Serena is all atwitter because quote "All I can think about is how much I wanna be on his arm at the ballet!" This is where I opt out of the conversation, and I don't even have Chuck currently going down on me (as far as I know). Blair finally shoves her pet giantess out of the bed and out of the door and then up comes bitsy Chuck looking zing and still focused entirely, as any good Hobbit would be, on second breakfast.
Dan and Vanessa discuss stealing soap from Lily's house, because they are classy, and then about how cute Colin Forrester is, because they are gay. The reason they are discussing Professor Cutiepie is twofold: One is because Dan is toting his stupid book everywhere he goes, and Two is because Colin Forrester will soon be dead. The wolves will be at him before you know it. Of course, Vanessa's takeaway is that Serena is involved and thusly she should shut down and go into Asshole Mode, which is always just a click away, and thus our first parallel to Persuasion, which is about this "awesome" girl who is actually kind of a dud but we feel sorry for her because nobody recognizes or notices because of these wicked step-Serenas hogging all the attention. The favorite of Vanessas everywhere, but most especially in Brooklyn.
Vanessa digs her chipped zombie nails into Dan's arm so he'll stand still for some Why I'm A Bitchposition: "Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle, I'm dead to anyone in Serena's life, except for you. Nate doesn't even return my calls!" Dan's like, "You think you got problems? He's not talking to me either because I stole that treaty!" They don't even hear each other when they talk. They just keep going. "Well unlike you, I didn't do anything! Juliet framed me! She's crazy!" Dan's like, "Maybe/maybe not, but the important thing is that I don't care and you got throwed from the commune for aggravated suck and now you are homeless unless you do what I say, so I say shut up and let me be in love with Serena all the time." Just like Lily taught him.