That was Season One good! Everybody acting crazy! Everybody gossiping, girl! Serena and Colin -- what else? -- catch a cab together, which both Dan and Blair notice, but while B is seeing S, S is seeing B coming out of the bushes with Chuck, because they have been doing it all day, everywhere, in the name of hate. Even though Serena totally loves this, she still yells at Blair to control herself. But while Chuck thinks the solution to ending their hate sex is a 24-hour fuckfest like in Hotel New Hampshire (minus the incest, for once), Blair retires to the bath and eats macarons while Dorota defends against Bass attacks.
Dan tells Serena -- Blair agrees -- that she is so amazing and wonderful in every way that if Colin really wants her, he should quit his teaching job and go back to being a billionaire. S offers him this option, basically so they don't have to wait a whole month to do it, and while she thinks he's turned her down, in fact he quits that same day. Meanwhile, Chuck keeps popping up in random places with a boner and random nightwear that makes him look very tiny and shiny and purple, causing Blair to scream and be more adorable than she's been in a long while.
Nate finds out that Juliet isn't living in that one apartment, and suddenly he and Vanessa -- who is back and just on a tear -- are arranging this invasion/sting/coffee date so V can (of course) break into Juliet's house and find the pics of Serena kissing her professor. But between the coffee date and a Come To Jesus with Colin, Juliet has decided to shut Operation Smile down, so Vanessa -- getting twigs and self-righteousness everywhere -- decides to take over Operation Smile on her own! Despite not knowing anything about it, or what Juliet's agenda is, or who Juliet is! She's just sick of being "Vanessa" and she wants fuckin' Serena blood all over her!
Thinking that she's going to have to find her own date to the ballet, S calls up bitchy old Dan and invites him. By the time he arrives, Blair has already shown up with Colin and the happy news of his decision. Dan throws a fit, even after S once again explains how nothing is ever her fault, and Nate shows up with Juliet, having bonded over their homelessness. The only net result of all this date-jumping is that Dan's not there for the big takedown, which is a strictly NJBC affair.
Juliet tries to stop Vanessa from giving the info to the Dean, but after Vanessa explains how the UES works -- how everybody always chooses S for some reason* -- Juliet turns evil and her face gets all weird, so now they are both evil! And crazed! At the ballet! Serena's dress is beautiful, everybody's beautiful, but Vanessa might look the best for once. Which is fitting, because Vanessa is drunk on champagne and maybe packing heat and she just runs around biting faces and it is fucked-up and amazing.
Drunk Vanessa and wild-eyed Juliet attack the Dean together, and she yells at them for being spiteful and dramatic. Juliet says the professor involved was Colin -- burning her bridges with her cousin for no real reason -- which piques the Dean's interest, but before they can view the pics B destroys them and claims to have been dating Colin herself. Chuck corroborates, and the Dean calls them all tattletales and whores before taking off for the ballet.
*(The reason is, I believe, that she is not a crazy asshole like the rest of these people and never** does anything shitty to anybody, while the rest of these crazy assholes are constantly doing shitty things to everybody.)
**(Pursuant to that, we now know that Ben was a teacher, and is currently 26 years of age, so everybody who thought Serena somehow got him jailed back in boarding school, move your tokens one step forward because it's seeming more and more likely.)
After the ballet, or maybe just after everybody took turns stabbing Juliet in her eye and nobody actually attended the ballet after all, Serena and Colin confabulate a story about why Juliet suddenly went rabid on him that is completely wrong. Then S calls Dan to take some more bites out of his heart, but Nate shows up first, so then they're both there, so she just feels weird some more with her mouth hanging open.
Upstairs, Blair and Chuck are finally friends, and they hug goodbye, and he smells her hair, and it's a yearning kind of feeling, but then suddenly they kiss and it's so amazing, and then they go upstairs and make sweet, unhateful, friendly love. I liked that part.
And then over in DUMBO -- or in Juliet's sad studio apartment full of Serena pictures -- Juliet Skypes a mysterious personage to talk about how she needs help to destroy Serena van der Woodsen once and for all. To whom is she speaking? Jenny Humphrey. And who is sitting there while they have this conversation? VANESSA, TOO! BITCH CITY! IT IS A THRILL HAPPENING!
Next week: Vanessa, Jenny and Juliet team up to destroy Serena at another masquerade ball, where I'm sure Nate or Dan or somebody will kiss Jenny or Juliet or somebody, thinking she's Serena or somebody, and lives will be ruined. And it will be so crazy because none of them actually have sustainable beef: Vanessa hates Serena because she... won Rock Band four years ago, essentially. Jenny hates Serena because she... wanted her bedroom back, basically. Juliet hates Serena for Some Reason... that has nothing to do with this latest thing? But it's going to happen and it's going to be epic. So epic.
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Blair's getting off when Serena comes busting in, all hooves and hair, to discuss Colin. You know, the guy she wants to talk about every single day and Blair always tells her to shut up about? Stealer of taxicabs and hearts and schoolgirls' virtue? Unwitting underwriter of Operation Smile? That guy. Colin Forrester. Now, you would be not outwith the boundaries of good sense to assume that Blair is masturbating, because how great is that we have this cute girl on TV who is constantly masturbating, but in fact no: That's wee willie winkie under the sheets. Whilst his sister sits atop a duvet, blathering on. There's a moment where Blair actually has either a full-on orgasm or a pre-show and it's so, so creepy and so, so awesome and Serena is so, so not getting it.
Why? What has our little Swan Queen in such a bindle today? Could it be pretending to care about school has finally caught up with her? Is it the ongoing mystery of the taxicab and the being of places? What is the Fortune 500 four one one? I'll tell you: Serena is all atwitter because quote "All I can think about is how much I wanna be on his arm at the ballet!" This is where I opt out of the conversation, and I don't even have Chuck currently going down on me (as far as I know). Blair finally shoves her pet giantess out of the bed and out of the door and then up comes bitsy Chuck looking zing and still focused entirely, as any good Hobbit would be, on second breakfast.
Dan and Vanessa discuss stealing soap from Lily's house, because they are classy, and then about how cute Colin Forrester is, because they are gay. The reason they are discussing Professor Cutiepie is twofold: One is because Dan is toting his stupid book everywhere he goes, and Two is because Colin Forrester will soon be dead. The wolves will be at him before you know it. Of course, Vanessa's takeaway is that Serena is involved and thusly she should shut down and go into Asshole Mode, which is always just a click away, and thus our first parallel to Persuasion, which is about this "awesome" girl who is actually kind of a dud but we feel sorry for her because nobody recognizes or notices because of these wicked step-Serenas hogging all the attention. The favorite of Vanessas everywhere, but most especially in Brooklyn.
Vanessa digs her chipped zombie nails into Dan's arm so he'll stand still for some Why I'm A Bitchposition: "Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle, I'm dead to anyone in Serena's life, except for you. Nate doesn't even return my calls!" Dan's like, "You think you got problems? He's not talking to me either because I stole that treaty!" They don't even hear each other when they talk. They just keep going. "Well unlike you, I didn't do anything! Juliet framed me! She's crazy!" Dan's like, "Maybe/maybe not, but the important thing is that I don't care and you got throwed from the commune for aggravated suck and now you are homeless unless you do what I say, so I say shut up and let me be in love with Serena all the time." Just like Lily taught him.