That was Season One good! Everybody acting crazy! Everybody gossiping, girl! Serena and Colin -- what else? -- catch a cab together, which both Dan and Blair notice, but while B is seeing S, S is seeing B coming out of the bushes with Chuck, because they have been doing it all day, everywhere, in the name of hate. Even though Serena totally loves this, she still yells at Blair to control herself. But while Chuck thinks the solution to ending their hate sex is a 24-hour fuckfest like in Hotel New Hampshire (minus the incest, for once), Blair retires to the bath and eats macarons while Dorota defends against Bass attacks.

Dan tells Serena -- Blair agrees -- that she is so amazing and wonderful in every way that if Colin really wants her, he should quit his teaching job and go back to being a billionaire. S offers him this option, basically so they don't have to wait a whole month to do it, and while she thinks he's turned her down, in fact he quits that same day. Meanwhile, Chuck keeps popping up in random places with a boner and random nightwear that makes him look very tiny and shiny and purple, causing Blair to scream and be more adorable than she's been in a long while.

Nate finds out that Juliet isn't living in that one apartment, and suddenly he and Vanessa -- who is back and just on a tear -- are arranging this invasion/sting/coffee date so V can (of course) break into Juliet's house and find the pics of Serena kissing her professor. But between the coffee date and a Come To Jesus with Colin, Juliet has decided to shut Operation Smile down, so Vanessa -- getting twigs and self-righteousness everywhere -- decides to take over Operation Smile on her own! Despite not knowing anything about it, or what Juliet's agenda is, or who Juliet is! She's just sick of being "Vanessa" and she wants fuckin' Serena blood all over her!

Thinking that she's going to have to find her own date to the ballet, S calls up bitchy old Dan and invites him. By the time he arrives, Blair has already shown up with Colin and the happy news of his decision. Dan throws a fit, even after S once again explains how nothing is ever her fault, and Nate shows up with Juliet, having bonded over their homelessness. The only net result of all this date-jumping is that Dan's not there for the big takedown, which is a strictly NJBC affair.

Juliet tries to stop Vanessa from giving the info to the Dean, but after Vanessa explains how the UES works -- how everybody always chooses S for some reason* -- Juliet turns evil and her face gets all weird, so now they are both evil! And crazed! At the ballet! Serena's dress is beautiful, everybody's beautiful, but Vanessa might look the best for once. Which is fitting, because Vanessa is drunk on champagne and maybe packing heat and she just runs around biting faces and it is fucked-up and amazing.

Drunk Vanessa and wild-eyed Juliet attack the Dean together, and she yells at them for being spiteful and dramatic. Juliet says the professor involved was Colin -- burning her bridges with her cousin for no real reason -- which piques the Dean's interest, but before they can view the pics B destroys them and claims to have been dating Colin herself. Chuck corroborates, and the Dean calls them all tattletales and whores before taking off for the ballet.

*(The reason is, I believe, that she is not a crazy asshole like the rest of these people and never** does anything shitty to anybody, while the rest of these crazy assholes are constantly doing shitty things to everybody.)

**(Pursuant to that, we now know that Ben was a teacher, and is currently 26 years of age, so everybody who thought Serena somehow got him jailed back in boarding school, move your tokens one step forward because it's seeming more and more likely.)

After the ballet, or maybe just after everybody took turns stabbing Juliet in her eye and nobody actually attended the ballet after all, Serena and Colin confabulate a story about why Juliet suddenly went rabid on him that is completely wrong. Then S calls Dan to take some more bites out of his heart, but Nate shows up first, so then they're both there, so she just feels weird some more with her mouth hanging open.

Upstairs, Blair and Chuck are finally friends, and they hug goodbye, and he smells her hair, and it's a yearning kind of feeling, but then suddenly they kiss and it's so amazing, and then they go upstairs and make sweet, unhateful, friendly love. I liked that part.

And then over in DUMBO -- or in Juliet's sad studio apartment full of Serena pictures -- Juliet Skypes a mysterious personage to talk about how she needs help to destroy Serena van der Woodsen once and for all. To whom is she speaking? Jenny Humphrey. And who is sitting there while they have this conversation? VANESSA, TOO! BITCH CITY! IT IS A THRILL HAPPENING!

Next week: Vanessa, Jenny and Juliet team up to destroy Serena at another masquerade ball, where I'm sure Nate or Dan or somebody will kiss Jenny or Juliet or somebody, thinking she's Serena or somebody, and lives will be ruined. And it will be so crazy because none of them actually have sustainable beef: Vanessa hates Serena because she... won Rock Band four years ago, essentially. Jenny hates Serena because she... wanted her bedroom back, basically. Juliet hates Serena for Some Reason... that has nothing to do with this latest thing? But it's going to happen and it's going to be epic. So epic.

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