Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Brooklyn Without Limits, Or: Arendt You Glad You Odile?

Juliet runs over to Colin's house to (get her spycam back) tell her cousin that she did not enjoy Persuasion, but in classy literary circles we do not talk about that, because Jane Austen wrote it when she was dying and so she didn't have time to make it awesome. Colin's like "No Jane Austen talk! It's unlikely. Also, I want to talk about your brother Ben and how you're not to see him or else you are homeless because you have to do what I say." Lily's power is limitless. For every person that says that shit, she stands an inch taller and Rufus loses a clump of hair. He thinks the waffles will refuel him but they shan't! Waffles aren't food for the soul, they are carbs.

Expository action on the Ben situation: "Prison shouldn't be easy, especially when you deserve to be there. You're the only person that thinks [he didn't do "it"]. Why else would his lawyer have him plead guilty? Look, I understand he's your brother and you love him, but you are playing with fire." Juliet responds that at least her fire-playing won't earn her some diseases, unlike his dalliance with Serena van der Woodsen. The wolves approach! Juliet can hear them! Colin underscores the fact that Juliet better stop visiting Ben in jail or else he will box her ears, and that's without even knowing about Operation Smile.

Dan's starry-eyed babbling about Colin Forrester is getting old for Rufus, who has full-blown vampire victim today and just stares mutely into space and eats infinity of waffles trying to get his groove back. But Rufus has no groove and the waffles just keep hitting the rock bottom of his awfulness with a slightly fluffy sound. He pets a cat that is imaginary. He is wearing multiple sweaters. His hair is mussed and he smells like diner fries and all he wants is for his son to shut up, shut up, shut up. So he tells Dan to stop being in love with Colin Forrester and go back to being in love with Serena, and start right now, elsewhere. Dan's like, "Right! I can't wait to get Serena back so I can grind that into Vanessa's face some more." Rufus is like, "I wish Eric and Lily were here so I didn't have to talk to you, but they are visiting Wesleyan. Apparently it's possible for Eric to get more gay."

Dan leaves, Rufus shoots himself, Nate grabs Chuck at random on the street and says out loud, "Yo!" They discuss how Chuck has been AWOL for days because of always with the dirty Blair sex, and Chuck lies that he fucked the entire New York marathon, and that closure can be attained through "massive amounts of hate sex," so Nate should try that with Juliet instead of doing what he's doing, which is taking her a sad box of sad things that she left at their house when they were having their sad relationship. Which is sad: Vanessa sad. Toss that shit out, you are rich.

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Gossip Girl

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