"It's just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill ex sex, fueled by the most common of aphrodisiacs. Mutual loathing and disdain." Serena is like, "That is at least four words I don't know yet." Blair says something mean about Levi Johnston that I refuse to repeat, and then compares Serena to Elizabeth Taylor because of how she's always... I don't know, I don't get the reference. I'm not old. S explains that they're meeting the wolves in the Bahamas, and Blair is like, "Nice knowin' ya, Clara Bow! Don't take any wooden nickels, Tallulah Bankhead!"
Vanessa answers the door at DUMBO chock full of bitch: "This how you return phone calls now?" Nate goes, "Nope. This is how." And then he kneecaps her. Boom.
Wrong, he ignores her classlessness as usual and launches into the story of Crazy Juliet Who Was Never There just like that girl the Fonz met on Halloween. Nate is scared of ghosts and he knows that Vanessa, for all her faults, is a rational person. Or so he thinks. So now they are going to team up like the Monster Squad and eradicate Juliet's ghostly evil once and for all. Vanessa is like, "Whatever you say, dummy! I just like hearing that I was right!" Then she decides to put off writing her Hannah Arendt paper so that she can go do some horrible things to Juliet. Because it's better than being alone with herself.
Serena grins at crazy bitchy Dan like so: "All right, why do you have Mad Face?" Which is awesome, because that's exactly what he has right now. And why? Because Serena is dating Colin Forrester on the corner where everybody can see them. His main point: Serena is better than this dating the guest lecturer. We have seen some pathetic transparency from Dan Humphrey in our lives together, Reader, but get this bullshit: Dan claims to be angry because Serena deserves better than having to wait a month to bone Colin and that it would be more romantic if Colin quit his job. That's his ratfink rationalization for why he's getting judgey. And because S is kind of a moron, she decides that he's totally right and giving her good brotherly advice. This is the kicker, which is so fucking Humphrey it's delicious: "You're worth more than a guest lecturer fee. Everyone knows that. I just wish you did."
"Sex in the limo. We've literally come full circle." Flexible of them, but they are young after all and it's still early in the day. Chuck and Blair come to a conclusion about their sex -- thanks to Serena not knowing what the hell she's talking about -- but they're so used to being in scary sync that they totally think they have the same plan but really it's opposite plans: Blair wants to go cold turkey and Chuck wants to do a Hotel New Hampshire and just fuck each other to the point of injury so they won't want to do it anymore. That's... Actually kind of great. Later it'll get worrisomely explicit but for now it's like a subtle nod to the way those two do everything. Anyway, Blair runs to Dorota and tells her to defend the castle against Chuck and calls this a Bassectomy, while Chuck tells his driver to go buy some cronk and condoms and some other information he sorely does not need to know.