Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Brooklyn Without Limits, Or: Arendt You Glad You Odile?

S is like, "Hey I was just on my way to your office to tell you I can't come to your office!" Colin is like, "I hate it when you think with your brain and not your yodeling privates." Like, he says that. S is all, "Too late! I cannot make our wolf date in the Bahamas, for a prophecy has been revealed to me that we can only fuck if you quit your job a month early." This, remember with him being the replacement for the original teacher, for a class that was only ever supposed to be two months long. Math is no match for Dan Humphrey and his lies.

"We say we want a real relationship, but the truth is neither one of us is willing to make a sacrifice," Serena says, which is like so stupid I can't even deal with it. They were making a sacrifice. The sacrifice was no fucking. (And what sacrifice could Serena possibly... I mean, I guess she doesn't want to quit the class. But if Colin quits his job, no more class. So...?) Anyway then they break up. I mean, I wish I could tell you more facts about this, but somehow the actual point of that scene goes unspoken and in the middle of the conversation they have both broken up and acknowledged this fact, despite it not really coming up at all.

Juliet is like, "Having gotten dumped by you eleven times, I must admit I was surprised that you want to take me on a coffee date. But then I remembered you are Nate Archibald, and it's entirely possible that you forgot you dumped me, so I figured what the heck." Nate thinks that Juliet broke up with him, which was another conversation where the conversation never happened: She called to apologize for using him in Operation Smile and I guess break up with him, but before she could say either of those things he started screaming about what a whore she was. Which was awesome, don't get me wrong, but Nate's life is so naturally confusing that I get nervous when shit happens like this.

The long and the short is that Juliet comes clean about her embarrassing horrible life, like so: "I didn't want you to see where I really live! My actual apartment is a studio on 126th Street! My cousin pays for things and I shop at the mall and do my own hair and choose my own blah outfits! It's the saddest story ever told! It's like Rent. Except my billionaire cousin pays that."

Nate's response is, of course, "I can't believe I never told you about the year I spent as a homeless rent boy! Man, egg on my face. You think Morningside Heights is bad? Try a loft in DUMBO. So we're squatters, that's cool. Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend and go to the ballet with me?" Of course Juliet wants to go to the ballet with Nate. She's like, "Thanks for undumping me. Wait, I dumped you this time? Well, good on me."

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Gossip Girl

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