Ah, but the whole thing is that this coffee date was a trap! A very Abraharchibald kind of plan whereby Nate takes Juliet to coffee so that Vanessa can break into her apartment -- having found it by triangulating Juliet's foursquare account, which is just mindblowing in many ways, some of them good -- using her old cat-burglar skills. So while Nate is forgetting this entire plan and accidentally becoming Juliet's boyfriend again, Vanessa is going through her belongings and pissing in the couch. Ignoring Nate's urgent message to stop the B&E in progress and act like a goddamn human being for once, she goes full jerkoff and finds the pictures of Serena and Colin chastely XOXO in a tree. Her eyes get wide like any of this matters, and she's like, "Finally! A storyline in which I am not a patsy but an actual active participant!" And God's all, "Not so fast, Abrams."
Blair is binge eating and getting crunk in the bathtub instead of screwing Chuck, so Serena comes in and offers her some of those sweet, sweet van der Woodsen macarons, if you know what I mean. Blair chows the fuck down on them, desperate for human touch, and Serena climbs into the bathtub with her and before you know it, this show got perfect.
Just kidding, first Blair worries that since it's "harder to chuck Chuck" than she thought -- and apparently to come up with new Chuck puns, or chuns -- and that she might need sex rehab. Serena explains that Blair Willpower Waldorf's middle name is Willpower, and that to prove it, somehow, she broke up with Colin for no reason. Blair's in such a state that she forgets to automatically disagree with anything Dan ever says, and actually agrees to the whole "quitting is romance" concept, and that S is so wonderful that men should fully kill themselves just for the chance to hold her coat. (Awesome: Serena responds, "I've been thinking about that all day," in the most gloriously serious tone of voice. Like she actually has been thinking about how wonderful she is all day, and what to do about it.) Serena takes off again -- after reminding Blair to be strong -- so she can think up something even stupider to do than what she was already doing. And then it's just Blair and those macarons, once again.
Half done and still no Darren Criss in a schoolboy outfit. Seems that television has not yet seen my internet petition. It is not yet Better.
Juliet drops by to say that, much like Nate, she has done a complete 180 and now wants to side with the angels, dating Nate and letting Colin pay for everything and letting Ben rot in pedo prison. Because here are more facts: "Remember what he was like before? He was so optimistic, idealistic. I mean, the day he became a teacher was the happiest day of his life." More: "He's not that person anymore. He's a 26-year-old convict who still hasn't taken responsibility for his actions. He's not gonna be able to move on until he accepts what happened."