What happened: Wolves. Underage ones, at Serena's boarding school. I feel it in my bowtie.
After calling 38 times, Chuck pops up in Blair's purple velvet robe (S has worn this before too) and she screams and they realize their miscommunication about fucking v. not fucking, aka detox v. excess. Dorota attacks and the three of them are adorable for awhile, but then for some reason Colin is downstairs and is Blair's date to the ballet. I feel like we left that part out but whatever. Blair can text faster than eyeballs, which is half the reason she's the Q. So Chuck's like "Wha?" and B's like, "He's my date!" and Dorota's like, "Eastern European life is sad life!" and Chuck's all, "I'm not taking off this robe. I look like a She-Ra action figure in it but I don't care, it feels luxurious." He seriously, he looks like a catamite from a period flick in that thing, it's amazing.
So the stupid-ass thing that Serena is doing is calling Dan to go to the ballet with her, now that she accidentally broke up with her boyfriend per Dan's explicit instructions. I hate it when things work out in Dan's favor but it never stings for very long because he only wins for about ten seconds at a time before Serena finds a way to fuck him over. So she's like, "What's going on?" And he's all, "Hipster activities." And she goes, "Come to the ballet?" And he's like," You gonna screw me over somehow or is this a proposal of marriage? Because that will actually kill Vanessa Abrams." And she hangs up because duh, nobody's that lucky. Clearly Option A. Every time is the fucking first time with this kid.
Okay, so Colin is actually there to see Serena and the whole thing was a lie, I so didn't understand that. Okay, he's there to see S and Blair says that in fact she is taking him to the ballet. Also everybody is eating macarons this whole time, it's like this bizarre Ionesco touch. So Colin has quit his job for no reason, and this impresses B for no reason -- "Just when I had written you off... Well, not just, I kind of wrote you off weeks ago" -- so she says they're going to the ballet together just like Serena has always wanted ever since this morning. And Chuck's thunderous hard-on, rampaging, shouting her name like the Minotaur of Crete, coming closer through the house, knocking over vases of hydrangeas and rare artworks and objets, coming closer and closer. Tiny little man, very loud penis. Such is the way of things.
Juliet is appalled by Vanessa. Specifically her presence in the Shame Garret but also, you know, generally. Vanessa explains her devious deviancy and then, awesomely: "I was looking for something to prove to everyone that you're the crazy liar that I know you are!" Juliet sees another chance to explain Operation Smile go whizzing past her head, once again makes the choice to be cagey about it, and then -- wonderfully -- Vanessa goes spitshine crazy.