Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Brooklyn Without Limits, Or: Arendt You Glad You Odile?

"Juliet, I'm sorry I didn't believe you when you said Serena sent the e-mail. You were right, she was trading sex for grades all along!"

We spend a lot of time shit-talking Vanessa Abrams here on the UES but my God, I love how her brain works. She's the only person who remembers what happened in previous episodes so it gives her more ammo to recombine cats in crazy horrible ways, but still this takes the macaron. I gotta say, I'm kind of proud of her. "Your secret is safe with me. I'm far more interested in exposing Serena van der Woodsen than some petty class pretender." Juliet's all, "A pleasure, as always, but Operation Smile is defunct. No more lying, no more cheating, no more aliases, no more crazy lies. From here on out it's just Nate's abs and Colin's money. A quiet life, but a perfect one."

But Vanessa! Will not be gentled! She ducks her head and leaves and the second she gets out of that awful studio apartment she takes the memory card out of her man-purse and kisses it gently. "My preciousss," she hisses, all darting tongue and snakes in hair. And it gooooorgeous.

Because really Persuasion was all about Jane Austen's own discomfort with the concept of persuasion and guilt and the morality of her lifestyle, and she had told her niece to run game on this guy, which made her feel like suck, but she didn't stop herself and she realized -- and this is why it's the perfect Austen for this show -- that just even by staying out of the conversation she was being a part of the conversation. That all of our acts of communication are acts of persuasion, and the job is not to speak or not speak but to do so with just reasoning. Which is an unreachable goal but a fine one. It's kind of crazy to think about how good that book could have been if she'd had the good judgment not to die while she was writing it. It is also crazy to think about how great it would be if just once that book weren't adapted starring the ugliest British people.

Lily knows the blonde guy from Center Stage and Rufus knows Sandy Cohen because of being like his imperfectly damaged clone-baby, and they all eat ballet waffles together and then barf them up again. Everybody pretends to love ballet and it's awesome, and then everybody's wearing sexy tuxes except for Dan, who is wearing toe shoes and a gym sock in his dance belt and the tiniest of tutus and a look of ruinous ruination due to Serena showing up and instead of coming over to him, running to Colin who has quit his job and thusly been delivered by Blair. The music is beautiful and everybody's clothes are beautiful and Serena looks like a vision of legs and breasts and vaginas -- like how in the Bible cherubim are a thousand wings and eyeballs is what it's like -- and it's the best she's looked all year. Nate's amazing mouth says "Sucks to you for even hoping at this point," but his eyes say, "Nice gym sock."

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Gossip Girl

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