Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Brooklyn Without Limits, Or: Arendt You Glad You Odile?

Swan Lake is about a pedophile boarding school teacher/evil wizard whose only power is turning into an owl and turning girls into birds. For some reason, he has turned Odette (Serena) into a swan maiden, which is a woman sometimes and a swan some other times. All the other swans (NJBC) have made her their Swan Queen, and all they do is bring her stuff and dance around for her entertainment. She meets a Fortune 500 prince while he's out hunting for taxicabs and gets all excited because the only thing that will break the curse is if he loves her true. There's a ball at the end of the episode, and the evil wizard shows up with his daughter Odile/sister Juliet, who turns into a Serena lookalike and fools Colin/Siegebert into proposing love to her, thus killing Serena and making hash of everything. Luckily, the wolves come so Colin kills himself, and they both ascend to heaven, and usually at this point Ben dies because of magic. Tchaikovsky is the very greatest.

The Dance of the Swans, which sounds pretty sneaky and works perfectly here, starts playing when Chuck approaches Blair so they can fuck at the ballet. She lies some more about how Colin is her date, and he sees through it, and then tuxedos away. Meanwhile, Vanessa slithers up to yell at Nate for being at the ballet, and explains openly that she is there to fuck with Serena. Because she has gone rogue! She is a one-woman army of crazy, slurping champagne. Operation Smile: Whence? For whom? Abrams don't give a motherfuck anymore. She is there to cause some damned trouble for some damned Yankees.

Nate can't believe it, because he's always getting fooled about her suckiness, but she's like, "Believe it." Nate can't believe that Juliet was spycamming on S and Colin, and once again breaks up with her without telling her. Vanessa slugs back another champers and her eyes glitter like vicious diamonds and Nate is powerless before her power. She goes off to bring it all down and Nate is scared but then he thinks, "Who is worse than Vanessa?" And there she is, Blair Waldorf, looking horny and avoiding Chuck for the next three seconds.

Serena finds Dan to apologize for dicking him around -- just absolutely dicking him around this time, for once -- and he bitches and moans about how he's always second on her list. Or worse. She can't exactly say it's not true, but her only excuse is that Colin showed up unexpectedly and that he did exactly what Dan wanted him to do, which is quit to be with her. For Serena, this is sound logic and she can't understand why Dan is not appeased, because the idea that Dan was lying the whole time is just too complicated to deal with. So Serena's all, "What is the problem?" And Dan goes running off tossing banana peels and stinkbombs and poorness over his shoulder. Little does he know that right now Vanessa is the one to watch.

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Gossip Girl

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